Does My Ass Look Too Big in these Jeans?
by Mrs. Brownloe
Summary: Bella, an artist who had sold her soul to big business to keep food on her table and a roof over her head, has a huge crush on Edward Cullen, a game developer, at the company where they both work, but she's too shy to do anything about it until her friend Alice convinces her to buy a pair of skinny jeans. Will true love find its way?
1. Skinny Jeans

Chapter One: Skinny Jeans

I could kill Alice.

Honestly.

I could hear her now, "Bella, these jeans are f-awesome! They make your ass look fabulicious!

She must have been on crack.

No. _ I_ must have been on crack to agree to wearing this skin-tight ass corset, otherwise known as skinny jeans. I'd spent my whole life-well at least since I hit puberty-trying to hide my great asset. Instead of a nice tidy little bum like most girls, I have a bodunkadunk, junk-in-the-trunk, major uber booty. Extra-large sweatshirts, long Ts, and baggy pants have been my choice of attire since middle school. I don't think I've tucked in a shirt since sixth grade.

Shaking my head, I stared at the reflection in my bedroom mirror. Even with the pink turtle-neck pulled as low as I could, my derriere still looked like it needed its own zip code. I had no choice but to wear them, though. Nothing else I had was clean. Laundry day had been two days ago and I had had something else to do that night, like going out with Alice to buy theses stupid things. Holy shit. I hope I didn't have to pee while I'm out today because I'd never get them back up.

Sighing, I grabbed my heavy navy hoodie and purse and locked up my apartment. The lengths I'll go to when I'm desperate-and I was desperate. _He_ was going to be at our company's annual field-day/picnic and I wanted-no, make that-I was hoping that he would notice me.

It seemed that all the girls at _GoNet, Inc_. had major crushes on him. He was a developer for our computer company's gaming division. That meant he was smart and creative but add to that, he was tall and lean, with auburn hair, deep green eyes, and a jaw you could crack nuts on. He made my insides do weird things. He was flawless.

It all boiled down to the fact that if you asked me to describe my perfect man, I would simply say Edward Cullen. No other words were needed.

But, since I'd melt into the carpet whenever he was around, I didn't think he had ever noticed me. Everything I knew about him was from what I had heard, and since the graphics team included two of the biggest gossips in the state-Jessica Stanley and Mike Newton-I heard a lot. From them I learned that Edward had dated a couple of women at the company, but no one long term and not anyone right now.

After a drunken wine-fest with Alice one Saturday night, she convinced me that I'd regret not trying to get his notice. The plan was to just to get him to acknowledge me. That's all. Just realize that I exist. I was tired of acting like a shrinking Violet when he was near me, so I decided to do something. Of course, I was drunk at the time.

I got into my truck and drove the twenty minutes it took to get to Larrabee State Park. I'd been there before, but in the summer. I had no idea why someone thought January was a good time to have an outdoor picnic in the great Northwest. It was cold but, miracle of miracles, it wasn't rainy today. I wondered if frost bite would impress Edward.

I'd timed my arrival so that I'd get there sort of in the middle of everything. I didn't want to be first but I didn't want to be last. I realized, upon reflection, that I was once again trying to fade into the background but it was too late now. I parked my truck and shivered when I opened the door when a blast of frigid January air blew in from the straits. Lord. If I found the person who planned this event, I would knee-cap them for sure.

I dug around in my glove compartment for a wool toque I kept there from when I visited friends in Vancouver and the matching mittens. I also found a woolen scarf under the seat. It didn't quite match my sweater but the danger of being frozen to death trumps vanity every time, or at least it should. My ass was still hanging out of the bottom of my hoodie. There was nothing I could do about that.

I found I did time it well, though. They'd built a big bonfire on the beach and I saw there were a few people standing around it trying to get warm, so I joined them.

"Hey, Jessica, how's it going?" I asked politely as I held my hands up to the flames. It really wasn't so bad near the fire.

"It's good, Bella! Wow! You look different! Are those new jeans?"

I vainly tried to pull my jacket further down over my bum. "Yeah. I got them the other day."

"Oh, that's cool. They really fit you good."

"Thanks." I was feeling ever more awkward the more she talked. Why hadn't I gone through my dirty clothes for a more comfortable pair of jeans? No one would have noticed the ketchup stain from one of my lunches, would they? Jessica's comments caused our neighbors to check me out, as well. I could feel my cheeks flaming.

"Bellllaaaa!" Mike Newton, the ever-ready perv, drawled. "Looking good, mama!"

Oh, god. Maybe I should go over to the table and find the urn of hot chocolate or something. I needed to get away. Too much attention was being paid to me and I didn't like it.

I wheeled around and, to my mortification, barreled right into Edward Cullen's chest. I didn't know he had been standing behind me. He grabbed my arms to keep me from falling over, or maybe just to keep the clumsy girl at arm's length.

"Oh, I'm so sorry." I was babbling.

"It's okay." He smiled as he steadied me and I immediately forgot what language I spoke. I could only stare back into his eyes like some sort of an idiot. My mouth was probably hanging open, as well.

"I'm Edward Cullen. I work in games." He let me go but he didn't stop smiling. I couldn't tell whether he was being nice or trying not to snicker.

"I...er...I'm Bella Swan. I'm in graphics." Actually, I was quite proud to be able to put that sentence together. I was still mesmerized by his nearness and the fact that he actually was seeing me now. Not only was he seeing me, he was talking to me, too. Mission more than accomplished; now my old shyness was taking hold and I was rapidly deciding I could go home.

"Well, it's nice meeting you..." I said as I continued moving towards the table where the beverages were laid out. I turned and tried not to scuttle away from him while resisting the urge to pull my hoodie down over my butt. No use to drawing more attention to my behemoth behind. I kept my eyes focused firmly forward but right before I got to the table, I couldn't help but to look back over my shoulder and was shocked to find the Perfect Edward Cullen still gazing at me, a smile on his lips and a smolder in his eye. Honestly, he was looking at me as though he could eat me up. Could it be that he liked what he saw? Either that, or ash from the fire had gotten into his eye.

I decided to stick around and see which one.

And I noticed a curious thing.

Wherever I went, eventually Edward Cullen was sure to follow. If I was at the bonfire, two minutes later he was on the other side of it. If I went to the food table, sure enough, Edward would saunter over behind me to check out the potato salad. I discovered that even if I went to the outhouse-at least it was heated and after a valiant struggle, I was able to get my jeans back up-Edward was within a stone's throw when I came out.

I have to admit that was a little freaky.

Why was he doing this? Was I just too hyper-aware of his presence? Maybe it was just a coincidence but then, maybe not.

A couple of hours later, there was an announcement that a group was going on a nature hike. I later learned these were the folk responsible for the dubious brainwave that a seaside picnic in January was a brilliant idea. I hadn't quite turned into an icicle but I was sure my nose was now an attractive shade of Rudolf Reindeer Red. Maybe a vigorous walk was what I needed. Little did I know, the organizers were sadists.

As we gathered at the assembly point, I was a little disappointed that Edward didn't appear. Maybe I had been delusional and it was simply a fluke that he seemed to be everywhere I had been that day. Oh, well. It figures.

We started walking down a path that led along the shore line for several hundred feet. Then, much to my dismay, we headed up what looked like a mountainside. The path was narrow and we could only climb single file. I needed both hands to climb the steep trail, so I adjusted the strap on my purse so that I could wear it around my waist and then twisted it to the back so it would be out of my way. What? You don't bring your purse with you when you go mountain climbing? What's wrong with you? Except that you're probably smarter than I am.

The trail was getting steeper and steeper and then flattened out on the top but we still had to crawl across the rocks so that we could keep our feet.

"Alright _GoNetters!_ We're at the summit. Now we're going to climb down the cliff and, using the rope that we've tied here, swing into the cave.

Well, that pissed me off.

First, I wasn't a _GoNetter_. I was an artist who sold my soul to keep a roof over my head and food on my table-and skinny jeans on my ass. I wasn't a _GoNetter_ hipster. No way. I just worked there.

Second, they advertised this as a ramble, not a freaking mountain climbing expedition.

I laid there, sprawled out on the rock, wondering if I could gracefully climb back down without creating a scene when I heard, "This is quite a walk, isn't it, Bella?"

I looked over my shoulder to find the Perfect Edward Cullen directly behind me. Where did he come from? And how long had he been there? And why, oh why did I have to wear these stupid jeans? He probably got more than eyeful climbing up behind me. That's why I had hung back and made sure I was last, so no one would have to be witness to my junk-in-the-too-tight-trunk. And wouldn't you know, it was Edward Cullen who had to sneak up behind me, the rotter.

"I...well...actually it's more like a climb than a walk. A classic example of bait and switch."

"I should have warned you. Emmett can be a little extreme when it comes to physical activity. He's a triathlete."

"Who's Emmett?"

"My brother-the big guy who was leading us up here."

"Oh. Does he also work at _GoNet_?"

"Yeah. He's in sales."

"I need to get out of my cubical more often."

"Nah. It's easy for us to keep to ourselves. We all tend to hang out exclusively with our own departments. That's why they have these "fun" events, so we can mix a little more than we are able to at work."

I nodded and looked back over my shoulder to find everyone else had disappeared over the side. Edward and I were alone up here.

"Do you want to climb down the rock face?" Edward asked.

"I don't want to die today, so no."

"Well then, let's go back. It's easier going down than coming up."

"Yeah. Gravity has a way of making that happen."

He choked out a laugh and added, "It's the landings you have to watch out for."

I chuckled with him until he held his hand out for mine and asked, "Shall we?"

I had taken my gloves off when we started climbing, so when we held hands, it was skin to skin. For a moment, the world shrunk down to this. The seagulls wheeled in arcs above our heads, as the surf crashed against the boulders below, and the sun shown down upon his bright coppery hair making the twinkle in his eyes sparkle like starlight.

Something cosmic moved. Something shifted in my universe. Change was coming. Something big was starting-but what? Good? Bad? Indifferent?

That was always the question.

Authors Notes:

This is something I started to write six years ago as a part of the Project Team Beta 2013 Writer's Challenge. I wrote about twelve chapters or so and then quit. I recently found the rest of the prompts, (each chapter has a prompt) and so I am going to attempt to finish it. The above had been posted before, so it may seem familiar to those of you who have been reading my stories from way back when I was Lady Gwynedd. I am reposting it pretty much as I had originally done, errors and all.

I do realize now, that in today's world having a big butt is a good thing, but back in my day, when the ideal feminine form was that of a pre-adolescent boy, curves were the bane of my existence. I was born with junk in the trunk and it has never gone away, so give me a little license here. You'll find that Edward likes it, at least.

The prompt for this chapter was a picture of a girl wearing jeans and a blue hoodie, laying on a cliff's edge and looking over. She had a bodonkadonk, but I think I was the only one to notice.


	2. The Empty Glass

**Chapter 2 The Empty Glass**

When I woke the next morning, I was blissfully aware that it was Sunday and I didn't have anything pressing to do, except perhaps my laundry. I snickered at my bad pun before I even opened my eyes. I kill me.

Oh, it felt good to be all comfy cozy in my completely decadent bed. When I finally got a job that paid more than subsistence level wages, the first thing I did was to go out and buy a top of the line bed. I'd been sleeping on one of my dad's old hand-me-down's and I think I had started to develop a hump from the torture of that old mattress' lumps and sags. Let me tell you, my Stearns and Foster, Queen-sized, plush pillow top, medium-firm mattress was heaven. Add to that my 600 count Egyptian cotton linens that I bought in a close out sale and I can rightly say that I'd created my own piece of paradise right there in my bedroom. I realize that other people find their bedroom bliss in more physical ways, but I'd always been a creature of comfort. Besides, it takes at least two people to bliss out the first way, last I heard.

I stretched, raising my arms above my head and was surprised to find my muscles screamed in protest.

"Ow!" My eyes popped open. Man, I was sore! Must have been that "nature walk" I took yesterday. But then, I also remembered who I was with when I was on that walk.

Edward.

Sighing, I rolled out of bed, grabbed the empty glass from my bedside table and limped into the bathroom to get some aspirin.

As I filled the glass with water, I thought about the day before. Edward had been sweet as he accompanied me back down the trail, pausing to take my hand to steady me as I clambered over the rough patches. On the less strenuous stretches, we were able to talk a little, mostly general stuff: how long we've worked for _GoNet_, (him four years, me two), where we grew up (him Chicago, me the great backwards backwoods aka Forks, Washington), family (him two older brothers, me an only child), parents (his still married, mine divorced) and by the time we'd gotten that far, we were back at the picnic area. To my surprise, people had pretty much packed up. The bonfire was out and, frankly, it was way too cold to stand around chit-chatting without it.

I remembered looking regretfully up at Edward when I realized it was time to go, but I had had no choice. By that point, I was so cold I was sure I'd turned a becoming shade of blue. I'm sure my violent shivering was massively attractive, too.

"Well, I guess I'd better get going. It's pretty cold without the fire," I had said.

"Yeah. Looks like the party's over. You going back to Bellingham?"

"Yep. There's a hot bath calling my name there."

He had chuckled and looked towards the shore. "I need to wait for my brother to get back. I came with him."

Normally, I'm not so bold in these situations but despite his drop-dead good looks, conversation with him had been easy and I had realized I didn't want my time with him to end. "I could give you a ride back, if you want?"

"I wish I could take you up on that, but I promised to help Emmet pack up and return the equipment he borrowed. Thanks for the offer, thought." He had actually looked regretful.

I had waved goodbye as I pulled out of the parking lot and wondered what would happen now. I mean, he _saw_ me. We had even talked, but that was about it. I have to admit the conversation, while easy, wasn't sparkling. I couldn't have been more boring. The more I thought about it, the more I decided he was just a friendly, decent guy who liked big butts in skinny jeans. When I went back to my regular clothes, he'd lose the little interest he had in me.

By the time I had pulled into my driveway, I had pretty much convinced myself that I was doomed to live my life alone; a cat lady in an old, decrepit house that the local kids would make up scary stories about. I already had the decrepit house down as I surveyed the old Victorian I lived in. Years ago, it had been a thing of graceful beauty, I'm sure. Unfortunately, someone had gotten the idea somewhere along the way to divide it into flats and rent it out. I rented the apartment at the very top, the attic, for one reason only—it had the best light I'd ever seen. Sure, I had to schlep crap up three floors, sure there were frigid drafts, sure I had to duck the sloping roof, but I had a huge window that faced the north and let in the most glorious, even light that my artist's soul coveted. It consisted of one great room, a small bedroom and a bath tucked under the eaves. I loved my home. It was quirky, just like me.

The minute I had gotten into my hot bath—Victorian houses come with the prerequisite claw-footed tub—I had called Alice and we had talked until the water cooled. While my friend thought good things were coming my way concerning Edward Cullen, I wasn't as optimistic. Yes, I did achieve my goal and even more, but I wasn't convinced anything would come of it. Heck, Edward didn't even ask for my number or say he'll see me again. Oh, well.

I downed the aspirin for my aches and pains, carried the glass over to the window, and pulled the blinds open. The urge to create was growing as I looked at my studio. The soft morning light revealed half-done paintings and watercolors scattered here and there, but I wasn't interested in those. The half-wild impulse to start something new niggled, so I picked up my sketch book and curled up in the window seat, pulling my old afghan around me.

With pencil poised above the paper, I shut my eyes and again heard the gulls crying, the waves crashing, and saw those green eyes twinkling down at me. I started to sketch and, like always happened when my creative muse hit me, I became so engrossed with my art that I hardly registered anything else.

I was so startled when my phone rang that I jumped and grabbed for it. In my clumsy rush, I accidently knocked over my now empty water glass and it shattered in a million pieces when it hit the floor. Crap.

The phone rang again but as I scrambled for it, I stepped on a glass shard. DAMN! I'm a real Mensa candidate, let me tell you—so stupid. I cradled the phone between my cheek and shoulder, sat back down on the window seat, and crossed my foot over my knee so I could look at my wound. Shit. It looked deep. There was a large piece of glass sticking out of the ball of my foot. Blood was welling and I felt myself get faint.

Oh, oh. Blood and I don't get along too well. I've been known to pass out before when seeing it. The phone rang again, and I answered it as I reached for a roll of paper towels I kept nearby for my painting.

"Hello?"

"Uhm…Bella! Oh…I hope I'm not calling you at a bad time."

"Who is this?" I asked, but thought I knew.

"Oh, sorry. Edward Cullen." My heart flipped, then I looked down at my bloody foot.

I swallowed as I got more and more light-headed as I looked. "Edward…" was all I could say.

"Is it a bad time?"

"I cut my foot. Oh, God…," I was getting woozy.

"You cut your foot? Are you okay?"

I pulled the shard out, grabbed a wad of paper towel and pressed it down on the cut, holding my breath as I did so, trying not to look at it. My head was spinning.

"Bella, are you okay?" I heard faintly through the phone.

"Oh…man. It's bloody. I don't do blood." I swallowed, blinking away the spots I was beginning to see.

"Hang on. I'll be right there."

"You don't know where I live."

"No, but my phone does. Hang on."

We disconnected and I started taking deep breaths, pressing down on my injury. I looked out the window trying to distract my mind from the blood. That helped. Then, the questions started. How in hell did he get my phone number? How did he know where I lived? He's good looking and all, but this was sort of stalkery, wasn't it? Maybe I should call Alice and ask her to come over, just in case.

I reached for my phone and called her, but it went to voice mail. I left a message telling her to call me right away. I then tried to think of whom I should call next but, before anyone came to mind, there was a knock at my door. My heart started pounding and a thousand different and opposite thoughts rushed through my head. The most predominant, I am ashamed to say, was to wonder how my butt looked in my pjs.

Miraculously, I was able to avoid the broken glass as I hobbled across the room.

"Bella, it's Edward. Are you okay?" Came from the other side of the door.

I opened the door to see his glorious, stalkery face staring back at me full of concern.

"How..." I began, but the spots in my vision reappeared and I swayed. I was going to faint.

My last conscious thought was how ironic it was that when Edward caught me, his hand just happened to grab my ass.

I knew he liked my badonkadonk.

**Author's Note:**

**The prompt for this one was "the empty glass."**


	3. Alice to the Rescue

Does My Ass Look Too Big in these Jeans?

Chapter 3 Alice to the Rescue

I was dead. I knew I was dead because, apparently, I was lying in a tomb, my hands were folded over my heart, and I was completely relaxed. Who knew death would be so chill?

But maybe I wasn't dead. I could hear a whispered argument in the background as I lay there. Did angels argue? I'm sure God didn't allow that. When I opened my eyes, I could see the familiar cabbage rose pattern that adorned my hand-me-down-from-mom sofa and I realized I was in my apartment lying upon said sofa—which is built like a box, hence the tomblike feeling—with my injured foot propped upon the arm rest and my afghan tucking me in.

"She needs to go to the emergency room!" a deep voice was demanding.

"I don't think she does. I looked at the cut and, though she bled a lot, it's stopped now and with the butterfly sutures you used, it will heal pretty well. I know Bella would hate it if we made a fuss." Now, that was Alice. How did she get here?

"It isn't making a fuss getting her checked out, it's good sense."

I turned my head to see Edward and Alice at a standoff in my kitchen.

"Bella will flip if we call an ambulance."

"She's still unconscious! Surely, this is something more than a cut foot. She's been out for forty-five minutes!"

"She'll come around soon. She always faints around blood."

"I'm calling 911."

I decided I'd better intervene. "Guys, I'm okay." I sat up, placed a hand to my groggy head and squinted over at them standing together. Alice's hands were on her hips and Edward's phone was in his hand.

"Alice, how did you get here?" I asked.

"How did I get here? You cut your foot off and called me to come over, don't you remember?" I wasn't surprised Alice thought this was hilarious. She's used to my misadventures, after all.

I scowled at her and said, "I remember asking you to call but not to come over."

"Well, I did call, and this guy answered your phone. I couldn't let Edward have all the fun, now could I?

Edward shook his head as thought he couldn't believe Alice's nonchalant attitude towards my near _de-pod-itation. _He came over to me as I swung my foot off the armrest. "You ought to keep that elevated, Bella. How's it feeling?"

"Really, not too bad. It sort of throbs but that's to be expected."

"You ought to go to the hospital. I think you need stitches."

"Oh boy. Is it really that bad?"

"It was pretty deep. The tape I used will only work for a while. I'd certainly go see a doctor, if you don't want a trip to the hospital."

He gestured towards my first-aid kit that was opened on my coffee table. "I hope you don't mind, but I went into your bathroom to see if I could find something that I could use to bandage your foot and I found this."

"Oh, not at all. That's what it's for, after all." I frantically tried to remember if I kept my box of tampons in the same location that I kept the first-aid kit. I couldn't remember exactly. Oh well, that's something to cringe about at another time. I brought my foot up to look at it and tried to peel away the gauze that had been wrapped around it. I couldn't really tell how bad it was.

Alice chimed in, "Edward had you fixed up before I got here. There was nothing for me to do except clean up the mess you made. I think you ought to stick to plastic glasses, Lady Grace."

I rolled my eyes but agree, "You've got a point there."

I looked at Edward, my curiosity overcoming my gratefulness and said, "I guess I owe you my thanks but it's a little weird how you got here in the first place."

He blushed when he recognized I was calling him on his stalking. "Not really. You dropped your gloves when you were at the park yesterday, so I was trying to get them to you. I looked you up in the company directory."

"Company directory? I didn't know we had one. I've never seen it, anyway."

"Actually, there isn't a hard copy. There's an App for it."

Trust working with a bunch of techy geeks. They made Apps for everything. "Our company directory is in an App?"

"Yep. Download is free." He held up his iPhone 500 or whatever it was. I still had a flip phone. It was all I needed or wanted and there were times I didn't even want that. But the more I thought about it, the more worked up I was getting. Every Tom, Dick, and Edward could have my personal information at their fingertips? I shuddered to think about it.

"They just put my name, phone number, and address out there for anyone to find it?"

"Oh no, only employees have access. You have to put your employee number in as well as your business phone to download it. It's all in there with phone links and addresses linked to Google maps."

All I could think about was pervy Mike Newton finding his way over to my place if he thought he'd be welcome, which he never would be, but he is delusional, so I wasn't counting that possibility out. I wasn't too worried about that happening though. Mike was an art geek like me. It took him until last year to figure out how to use the mail client on our company website. I highly doubted he even knew what an App was. But still, there were other weirdoes out there more technologically aware. "That's frightening."

"Frightening? Why?" Edward's eyebrows had knitted together like a boxer puppy's. It was sorta cute.

"Single women are better off keeping that stuff on a need to know basis. There're a few guys at work that I wouldn't like knowing where I lived."

"Oh, I'd never thought of that."

"I'm sure the person who developed that App didn't either." It was curious that Edward gulped and turned a curious shade of red.

He cleared his throat and said, "I bet you could call HR and get your information removed from the App—but you'll have to admit, today it came in handy."

"It did come in pretty handy, I guess. Though if you hadn't have called, I wouldn't have broken the glass in the first place. The phone going off startled me."

I knew the second I said that, I shouldn't have. The look on Edward's face was horrified, guilt-stricken, and remorseful all at once. "I'm so, so sorry. I didn't mean…"

I put my hand on his arm and said, "Oh, really Edward, it wasn't your fault. I just need to remember to be more careful. I get so absorbed in my work I forget about everything else. Accidents like these are common-place for me."

Ever willing to join in on the Bella's-such-a-clumsy-idiot parade, Alice said, "You can say that again. I can't count the times I've had to put band-aides on her boo-boos. I think the reason she won't go to the ER anymore is because they know her on a first name basis."

In fact, I had overheard some nurses taking bets on what I'd done _that_ time and it sort of put me off on the whole experience. Today, my only response to Alice's jibe was to blush and scowl at my foot.

Suddenly, Edward knelt in front of me and grabbed my hands. "Bella, if you won't let me take you to the ER, can I at least have someone look at it for you? My brother's doing his residency at St. Joseph's. I'm sure he won't mind coming over and checking it out."

"I thought your brother was in sales at _GoNet_?"

"That's Emmett. My other brother's a doctor. He's following in our father's footsteps."

"Oh, but I can't put him to this trouble."

"I can, though. He'd appreciate the change of scenery. Besides it's nearing lunch time and you'd be surprised what he'd do for food. I'll call Rudy's Pizza—my treat." He already had his phone out and before I knew it, his brother was called, the pizza was ordered, and I still was in my pjs. Besides, Edward was only about six inches from my face and those eyes could have probably convinced me that George Clooney was the best Batman.

Alice was all gung-ho for the free lunch and the opportunity to see how much of a fool I could make out of myself around the guy only she knew I had a crush on, so it was useless to protest. I did ask her to help me get dressed and she was all for me trying to eel my way back into those skinny jeans, but I objected to the fact that they would cut off the blood supply to my injured foot. We settled for a pair of only-worn-once-before-washing yoga pants (it was beyond laundry day, as I had said) and a long T-shirt. I talked Alice out of the scarf and refused to put on makeup. She was disgusted with me.

I did spray on a little perfume as I couldn't be too sure of the gaminess of the pants.

It probably had been a mistake to leave Edward out in the main room by himself because it gave him the opportunity to nose around, not that he would on purpose. It was just that my art, the part of me that no one ever saw, was all over the place out there. When I returned from changing, he was standing by the window seat studying my sketch book. What had I been working this morning before I was so unexpectedly interrupted?

Oh, crap.

My drawing was about a cold, sunny day at the summit of a cliff, gulls wheeling overhead, a sea green ocean, and an amazingly handsome man whose eyes mirrored the sea below. Those very eyes met mine and I could see something warm spark there. I blushed and looked away, embarrassed to be caught out.

A beat later, he said, "Did you do all of these?"

I looked up to find that he had set the sketch book down and was now standing in front of a floor to ceiling mural I did of a forest.

"Yes."

"These are amazing…," his voice was low and soft. He moved to another picture; it was the view of the mountains from my window. It included the windowsill and frame with a gauzy curtain blowing in a gentle breeze. My intention when I had painted it was to take that window and its view with me wherever I went in the future; I was so enamored with it.

Alice had been digging in my fridge, probably trying to find something alcoholic we could have with our meal but other than a couple of King Mango wine coolers—definitely not a man's drink—I kenw she'd have no luck.

"Geez Bella, don't you have any beer?" Alice asked.

"Now why would I, when I don't drink it?"

"For your guests." Alice would deny that she ever whined, but I beg to differ. One day, I was going to have to tape her to prove my point.

"Don't worry, Alice. My brother is bringing something to drink. He should be here in a few minutes," Edward said.

We spent the next several minutes getting out paper plates and napkins. I had to clear a few unfinished pieces of art from the table so we could have some place to eat and I did it myself, no matter how Edward and Alice protested my standing on my sore foot. My art was personal, and it almost felt like a violation when others looked at it. I noticed however, when I was done putting it away, my foot was throbbing like a maniac. I was glad to sit down and prop it up.

Just about that time, there was a knock on the door and when Edward opened it, a tall, blond man stood in the doorway, panting and holding a couple boxes of pizza and a six pack of beer.

"Dang, Edward, I feel like I've just climbed to the summit of Mount Baker! Those are some steep sets of stairs." He looked back over his shoulder down at the way he had come and shook his head.

Edward took the beer and pizzas from him and turned to Bella and Alice and said, "Ladies, allow me to introduce you to my pathetically out of shape brother, Jasper Cullen."

All chatterbox Alice could manage to say was, "Hot damn!"

Author's Notes: The prompt for this one was to use these three words in the story somehow: Tomb, Summit, Cabbage, King. I noticed that I had to update my cultural references a bit as the original story showed it's age by a reference about something that happened during President Obama's second inaugural. I couldn't even remember what it was. It concerned Beyonce, though.


	4. A Mother's Forgiveness

**Chapter 4: A Mother's Forgiveness**

**Edward's Point of View**

"Hey, Edward, weren't you supposed to have lunch with Mom today?" Jasper asked as he flicked a bottle cap across the table towards me.

"Oh, shit! I forgot!" I batted the cap away as I felt my face redden and looking at the time on my cell. Crap, she expected me ten minutes ago. I was in trouble now.

I looked apologetically at Bella, who was sitting on the sofa with her foot propped and said, "I'm going to have to go. I'm sorry."

"Oh, it's no problem, Edward. It was my fault that you got side-tracked." She looked down at the slice of pizza she was holding, her own cheeks imitating mine. I chuckled to myself. We were both blushers. Our kids would have no chance.

I know, I know. I was really fantasizing here but I couldn't help it. I'd had the biggest crush on Bella since the first day I saw her shortly after she came to _GoNet_. As a part of orientation, HR shows all the new hires around so they could familiarize themselves with the company's operations. It was my turn to explain game development. No one on my team ever wanted the job of describing what we did to the newbies. Gamers tend to have a hugely stereo-typed image. Most people seemed to think all we do is sit around playing _World of Warcraft_ and be socially awkward; or worse, they thought we were all like Sheldon Cooper on the _The Big Bang Theory_. _WoW_ was lame anyway. _Fortnite_ was way better.

The day Bella was ushered into our work area turned my world upside down. My knees literally buckled when I saw her the first time and when it was my turn to speak, I was a stuttering mess. I'm sure I made a great first impression, especially when her group had turned to leave after my piss poor presentation. I got a good look at her divine behind and I couldn't help but to gasp out, "_Bazinga!_"

Sheldon who?

Well anyway, I knew I had made a complete fool of myself that day and she probably thought I was the biggest tool in Bellingham. When I found out she was one of those ethereal, arty types up in graphics, I knew I didn't have a chance in hell. Nerdy me was the antithesis of those guys. She wouldn't be at all interested in me.

So, what's a shy game programmer supposed to do?

What every shy game programmer does: Nothing.

Except quietly learn everything I could about her without getting weird. You'd be surprised what you could learn with your Google skills. But maybe that _was_ weird. Some people would call that stalking, I guess. I was so excited to be asked to develop the Employee Directory App as a side project. I didn't realize that I'd skeeve Bella out when she found out about it, but I guess there were some weirdoes who would use it to their advantage.

Shit! Maybe she thought _I _was one of those weirdoes? Did I screw up again?

Finally, it had seemed luck was going my way. Apparently, Bella had forgotten my awkwardness on the orientation tour two years previously and when we had met up at the polar picnic—my name for it, not Emmett's—she had seemed to welcome my company. She had looked gorgeous yesterday, even more gorgeous than usual, and I had felt privileged to be with her. We had seemed to finally click. I had been feeling really good about the whole thing and when I had found her gloves on the ground near where she had parked her truck, I believed the omens were finally in my favor. This had been just the excuse I had needed to see her again.

I hadn't thought twice about using that Employee Directory App to call her, but I was shocked at her reaction to it. Perhaps I could put a routine in the App so that before it gave out addresses and phone numbers, it would query the owner of that information for approval. That seemed a good idea and should reassure Bella. I'd fix it tonight when I got home.

But first, I needed to brave the lion's den. My mother was going to be honking mad that I was late for lunch. I left Jasper to Alice and Bella's tender mercies, seemingly something he wasn't averse to in the slightest. The first thing Jasper had done when he got to Bella's apartment was to look at her foot, ask her about her most recent Tetanus shot, and pronounce her good to go. No stitch was needed as long as she kept a clean bandage on it after applying some Neosporin.

Then we got down to business, eating pizza and joking around. Jasper was always smooth and so, because of him, conversation flowed. Alice was able to keep up with him and Bella, though quiet, smiled and laughed as we enjoyed our meal. Then, Jasper mentioned my oversight with our Mom, and I knew there would be hell to pay.

When I got down to my car, I made a quick call to tell her I was on my way.

"You're late."

"I know, Mom. I'm sorry. I'm coming right now. I'll be there in a few minutes."

"Where are you?"

"I was helping a friend out and the time got away from me."

"What friend?"

Oh, crap. Here came the interrogation. "Just a friend from work."

"Do I know this friend?" Mom would be a good NCIS agent. She was relentless. She knew something was up and would be determined to find exactly what.

"No." I've found short, truthful answers to be the best. Unfortunately, this just encouraged her to ask more questions. She was determined to pry it out of me.

"Is it one of your gaming buddies?"

"No."

"One of your _Frostbite_ Friends?"

"It's _Fortnite_, Mom, geesh."

"Well, _Fortnite_, then."

"No, she doesn't play _Fortnite_."

"_She_?"

Shit. I blew it. I'd better retreat. "Listen, Mom, I'm driving and can't talk. See you soon. Bye."

"Edward Anthony Cullen, don't you…" I ended the call. I hoped she'd move on by the time I got to the house, but I really knew better. Do the Kardashians ever turn down a party invitation? My mother's main ambition was to get her three sons married. There was a constant stream of "daughters of" and "friends of" and "I just happened to meets" running through our family home. None of us had taken the bait yet, mostly because the thought of Mom playing match maker for us was so losery. Grant you, the girls she introduced us to seemed nice enough but…just, no. And besides, unbeknownst to Mom, I thought I may have found one on my own but you'd better bet, I wasn't going to tell my dear Mother about Bella, yet. If I kept screwing up, I may never get the chance.

I sighed when I thought of Bella as she met me at the door of her apartment. At the time, I was preoccupied with her injury, but now looking back I remembered how beautiful she was. Her hair was messily pulled back off her face, exposing her long, delicate neck. Her features were pure and unadorned. I almost forgot to breathe; I had been so enraptured. But then she fainted, and I found I had my hands full. Literally.

My hand still tingled as I remembered the feel of her ass and her body pressed up against mine. My dry mouth told me I needed to stop thinking about that immediately since I was just turning up our street and greeting Mom with a stiffy was probably the worst thing I could think of. In fact, the thought of that worked to get me back down to size. Heh. Poor joke. I know it.

When Bella had fainted, the critical thinking side of my brain went into action as I swept her up and carried her over to her sofa. I could tell she was breathing but her foot was bleeding profusely. I grabbed a roll of paper towels, bunched a handful of them up, and pressed them down over the wound. I held it there for several long minutes hoping her blood would clot quickly. I was surprised that it didn't until I noticed the bottle of aspirin near the window seat. She must have taken some and it thinned her blood.

I redoubled my efforts and eventually the bleeding stopped. After I propped her foot on the arm of her sofa, I dug around in her bathroom for something I could use as a bandage. I was very happy to find a first aid kit in there with all the fixings. I was able to clean her wound and bandage it pretty quickly. Just as I put on the finishing touches, her phone rang. I wasn't sure I should answer but I was becoming increasingly worried that she hadn't regained consciousness yet and perhaps the person on the phone could help me.

"Hello?"

"I know I called Bella's phone. Who are you?"

"I…uhm…I'm Edward Cullen. I work with her. Are you a close friend?"

"EDWARD CULLEN?! Oh, my God! Hah!"

"You know me?"

"I know about you. You're all she talks about, but then I shouldn't tell you that, should I? I'm Alice, Bella's BFF. Where's Bella?"

"She's here but unconscious. She cut her foot and passed out when she answered the door to let me in. I was able to bandage her foot but she's not coming around. I'm getting really worried. Maybe I should call an ambulance?"

"No, Edward. Bella does shit like this all the time. I know the routine. I'm on my way. I'll be there in five."

I spent the time waiting for Alice by tucking Bella up with a blanket I had found and looking around her apartment a little. Her art was all over the place and amazingly good. I don't know why she'd talk about me all the time to Alice, except for maybe laughing at me. I didn't even know she knew me before yesterday. I knew I wasn't worthy of her.

It didn't take long for Alice to arrive and we spent the next few minutes arguing about whether we should call an ambulance or not. That's about the time Bella came to. The minute her wide brown eyes gazed up at me, I could hardly keep a thought in my brain. Or maybe I couldn't keep a thought in my thinking brain. That other figurative brain of mine was wide awake, let me tell you. I was on the edge of embarrassing myself. I wasn't really surprised when she refused to go to the hospital but was glad when she allowed me to call Jasper.

I barely muttered a word the rest of the time I was at her apartment. It was apparent that this glorious woman made me lose what little rational thought and social skills I had. I had it bad.

When I pulled into our driveway, I saw an unfamiliar car already parked there; a red sporty number. I wasn't that interested in cars like a lot of guys were. As far as I was concerned, their only purpose was to get me safely from point A to point B. As long as the stereo system was good, I couldn't care less about their horsepower, turbos, discs, cylinders, and…yawn. The subject bored me. I categorized cars into five types: sporty, grandma, soccer mom, junkers, and normal cars. If it didn't fit in those categories, it was a truck. I wondered what sort of gear-head was visiting Mom today. At least, it would be better than one of my Mother's prospective daughter-in-law wannabes.

As I went inside, I heard my Mother call out, "Edward, we're in the family room. Come on up."

"Be right there, Mom."

I shrugged off my coat and then went to join the party. I hoped Mom had forgiven me for being late. It could go either way with her, and she had sounded forgiving but that may be because I saw the purpose of this lunch date as soon as I entered the family room. Sitting on the couch next to my Mother was an incredibly beautiful woman. Even though she was seated, I could tell that she was tall, slender, with long blonde hair and blue eyes that seemed to stare a hole right through me.

Mom smiled like Lady Bountiful and said, "Let me introduce you to my bridge partner Janice Hale's daughter. She's a senior in mechanical engineering at the University. I thought you two, being engineers, would have a lot in common. Edward, this is Rosalie Hale."

It was then I remembered that I had forgotten to give Bella her gloves.

**Author's Notes:**

**The prompt for this one was "A Mother's Forgiveness." Also, in the last chapter there were four words I needed to use for the prompt, not three. Evidently, I can't count.**


	5. Bella's Jella

**Chapter 5 Bella's Jella**

**Bella's Point of View**

"_There once was an artist named Bella_

_Who crushed on a fantastic fella._

_So, she put on her jeans,_

_And used any means,_

_To get him to notice her jella."_

"What the hell is a jella?" I asked as I dried the last glass from our impromptu pizza party. Alice had gotten increasingly hyper since Jasper had left and I feared I'd have to scrape her off the ceiling before too long. She was bouncing as she shut the cupboard and then turned to me with a huge smile.

"Your junky trunky, girl!" she said with a giggle.

"Are you saying my ass is like jello?" I was half-amused, half-insulted.

"No, it just rhymes with Bella."

Done in the kitchen, Alice flopped down on the couch, leaned her head back, and sighed. "That Jasper is fine, fine, fine."

I hobbled over after her. "Yeah, he seems to be a really sweet guy."

"I think I'm in love."

"Alice, you fall in love every other day."

"Nah ahh. I fall in _lust_ every other day."

"How is this time different?"

"I don't know…I think I heard angels singing when he said hello. That hadn't happened before. What else could it be but love? Too bad Edward had to go so soon."

"Yeah. I hope his Mom's not mad at him for being late. I feel a little guilty about that. He wouldn't have been late if it wasn't for me and my stupid foot."

"Oh, don't worry about that. After all, if he hadn't called you, you wouldn't have cut your stupid foot, which led to him needing to rescue you, and thus making himself late for his Mom's thing. To me, it seems like it was meant to be. But the big question is—when can we see them again?"

"Gee. I don't know. I guess I could see Edward at work, maybe…"

"But how can I see Jasper? You don't work with him and I don't either. I know! We'll have a party!"

I snorted. "Where? My apartment was barely big enough for the four of us today. I couldn't have much of party with only three invitations and your place is fine, but your roommates…" I looked at Alice and cocked my eyebrow.

"Yeah. They'd insist on inviting their hippy friends and, while they're nice enough, I really think our landlady would object to the chanting, drum circles, and funny smelling tobacco." Alice and her roommates lived right next door to their very nice, but very nosy landlady. Their apartment was roomy and inexpensive for what they got, but the downside was that Mrs. Cope, said landlady, had very strict rules. Violating them could get them evicted.

"Mrs. Cope would call the cops and the eviction company at the same time."

Alice nodded and we sat there in silence plotting how to reunite with the Cullen boys.

"I know! We can go skating at the Sportsplex!" Alice was full of bad ideas.

"Uh…I'm not too sure how I would do on skates."

"Haven't you skated before?"

"No, I haven't. Honestly, there weren't too many opportunities to learn in Forks. There's no rink and I don't trust wild ice."

"Wild ice?"

"You know the ponds and rivers that maybe, sort of freeze up, but not really? I had nightmares about falling through, so I always bowed out."

"It's fun, Bella. I bet since Edward's from Chicago he knows how to skate. Maybe he'll teach you? Just imagine his arms wrapped around you as you glide on the ice."

"It's easier for me to imagine the pity in his eyes as I end up gliding on my ass. I don't know, Alice."

"Well, then if you decide not to skate, you can sit in elegant splendor on the side lines and sip hot chocolate."

"Who are you talking about? Me? Elegant splendor?" I snorted again. I couldn't even picture that.

"Well, what else can we do? Skiing's too expensive; for my budget at least. It's either the ice rink or a church social, and I think my church behavior's sort of rusty. Besides, Bella, just think what your _jella_ would look like in a pair of leggings!"

It was all up to my ass again, I guessed. I remembered how Edward seemed to like my skinny jeans and now I was sort of curious to see his reaction to me in something even more bodacious. "Well, I could try it."

And so, we spent the next hour strategizing, trying to figure out how to casually invite two guys we had basically just met skating without making it look like we were pathetic.

I had a sick feeling that wasn't possible.

**Edward's Point of View**

"But Edward, she's a beautiful girl and so smart!" my Mom was saying.

"Yes, Mom, but we didn't click."

"Oh, come on, what were you expecting? The Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing Handel when you met?"

"Something like that. Besides, Mom, she didn't like me anymore than I liked her."

"Oh, how do you know?" Mom's question was rhetorical, so I didn't answer.

'Eddie, honey, you have to give things like this a chance. They don't happen in an instant."

Oh yes, they did, Mom. The moment I saw Bella, I knew. I didn't hear the Mormon Tabernacle Choir per se, but it was something close to that; something along the line of when you beat the Big Boss in _Super Mario Brothers_.

I can't help it. I'm old school.

"Really, Mom, Rosalie and I have nothing in common. She's a gear-head. I'm a gamer. We live in two entirely different universes."

Just then, Emmett walked into the kitchen where we were having this awkward conversation. He looked like he had just come from the gym. "Who was in that Maserati?"

"Oh, never mind, Emmett. That was Edward's friend, Rosalie." Mom busied herself putting our dirty plates in the dishwasher.

"Mom, she's not my friend. I just met her." I needed to reinforce that. Mom tended to get carried away. If I let it go, before too long she'd be planning our wedding. I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head at Emmett so that he would know what was up.

"You're still trying to get rid of us, Mom?" Emmett grinned back at me. He thought my predicament was funny, but then he thought everything, short of the Seahawks losing to the Falcons, was funny.

Mom didn't answer; she just shook her head in disgust and continued stacking the washer.

"I like her taste in cars. What does she look like?" I could tell Emmett was not going to let this go.

"She's not your type, Emmett," Mom said. "She's not into sports. She's an intellectual. She and Edward were made for each other."

Mom grinned fondly at me, though I was squirming.

"Are you saying smart chicks wouldn't like me?" Emmett's faux feelings were getting hurt now.

"No, Emmett, of course they'd like you. It's simply that Rosalie Hale is an engineer, just like your brother, and…"

"And that's about all we have in common," I had to add, stopping her mid-sentence.

Emmett picked up an apple from the fruit bowl on the counter, took a bite, and then again asked me through chunks of masticated fruit, "What does she look like?"

Used to Emmett's grossness, I tried to play it off, not wanting to continue the subject of Rosalie Hale. "She's pretty, blonde, tall, that sort of thing."

"Did she have a bubble butt?" Emmett leered at me and I rolled my eyes.

Mom snapped her dish towel at him and said, "Emmett, what a question! A gentleman doesn't notice such things."

"Well, Mom, I hate to be the one to break it to you but, gentleman or not, Edward here has always been an ass man."

Apparently, my brother was determined to make me sweat. Mom looked at me in stunned horror and I could feel a body blush building. I needed to get the heck out of Dodge.

"Mom, thanks for lunch. Emmett, you're a jerk. I'll see you guys later." I made it out of the door before they could stop me.

When I neared the light near Bella's home, I looked over at her gloves that were still sitting on the passenger's seat next to me. I wondered if it would be too weird to stop back by her place to give them to her.

Yeah. Way too weird. I'd give them back to her at work tomorrow. Maybe she'd be wearing those jeans again? I couldn't help but to smile in anticipation. Yeah, I loved the booty, especially Bella's.

But really, that was something my mother didn't need to know.

**Author's Notes:**

**This prompt was Limerick. I really cheated and started it out with one to get it out of the way.**


	6. Bella's Super Fantastic Amazing Leggings

**Does My Ass Look Too Big in these Jeans?**

**Chapter 6 Bella's Super Fantastic Amazing Leggings**

**Place: Ice Boutique, Bellingham, WA**

**Point of View:****Chloe Noel P23-2 Contrast Waist Figure Skating Pants with diamante trim. Size Large.**

I had an axe to grind with the salesgirl.

I'm sure she purposely hung me up with the tightest clips she could find and crowded me onto a rack with tacky, trashy skating pants out of spite. My beautiful three-inch waist band with real crystals sewn in the shape of a perfect heart was getting pinched by those plebeian clips and sure to leave a mark. How dare she?

I knew what her problem was. She was jealous. I was specially designed for skaters who had certain dimensions, shall we say, that would highlight heir Lovely Lady Lumps. This salesclerk definitely did not fit that description. In fact, from behind it was hard to tell if she was a girl or a boy, the flat-assed cow. As a result of her malice, no one saw me hidden away with what evidently were Lady Gaga's cast offs. It was enough to cause my Diamante heart to break.

One evening, my luck changed, all thanks to a twig-like gal who was helping out a friend. I could hear hangers scraping down the rack, as someone was looking through those lesser outfits.

"Alice, those colors are way too bright." The voice was soft but dismissive.

"I know, I know. You want something that is grey, or black; ever eager to fade into the background, right? Well, it won't hurt to look at these."

The scraping got closer. Maybe they'd see me and be instantly mesmerized by my stylish over-the-heel fit, designed to lengthen the leg. I brushed up my poly-fibers to look their best.

"No, Alice. None of these will work. I can't imagine…"

"Look, Bella, you need to try something." The twig-girl started to whine.

It was then I got a good look at the other. Oh, my! I could do things for that ass. For the first time in my existence, I felt driven to do what I was made for!

_"Pick me! Pick me!"_ I would have shouted, had I had a voice.

"How about this one?" the Twig asked, pulling out my next-door neighbor.

"Neon green, Alice? I'd look like a patch of poison ivy." My girl had good taste. I'd had to put up with that nauseating neighbor for days.

"Bella, you've said no to everything. We've been through the whole store and there's nothing left. You can't wear your pajamas to the rink."

"How about I wear my jeans again?"

"No, for a lot of reasons. First: Jeans absorb water and after a few falls, Grasshopper, you'd be soaking wet and miserable. Second: Edward's seen you in those jeans twice already. He's going to think you don't own anything besides work pants."

"But he seems to like my jeans. On Monday, I was standing in front of my drawing board and dropped something. I bent over to pick it up and then heard a crash behind me. I turned around to find Edward picking himself up off the floor. He had tripped.

"He spent the rest of the time he was there apologizing but he couldn't keep his eyes on my face. They were always sliding down to my bum no matter how hard he tried not to. He was blushing so red, I thought he'd have a stroke, and he was stuttering all over himself. It was really cute, actually."

All during this conversation, I was trying to flash my diamante heart and stretch out my legs but had no luck. Not having muscles definitely sucks sometimes.

The Twig spoke up. "I know that's when you invited him to the skating party, but I thought you'd gone to his office?"

"Oh, no. He came to me, first. He had forgotten to give me my gloves on Sunday."

"Your booty is definitely an Edward magnet. You need something more than skinny jeans, now."

Another scrape of a hanger. "How about the pink ones?"

"No, Alice."

"Just try them on?" The Twig was determined.

"Not those."

"What, then? We've seen everything in this store, and we don't have time to go somewhere else."

"How about these?"

Suddenly, I felt my hanger lift and I was flying through the air. She picked me!

"They're basic black." Twig had a problem with me being a sophisticated ebony. Really, some people's sense of taste began and ended in their mouths.

"No, there's this cute little heart on the back and I bet that cropped sweater we saw on the round in the front would look pretty with it."

I was so thrilled. I couldn't wait to show my Ms. Lovely Lady Lumps just how lumpalicious I could make her. If she thought her guy couldn't take his eyes off of her in jeans, just wait until he saw her in me!

A few minutes later, my Ms. LLL was twirling in front of a three-way mirror. "What do you think, Alice?"

"OH MY, GOD! Your derriere has half convinced me to change sides. I swear, if I hadn't met Jasper already, I may have just done that. You look bad-ass, Bella!"

I preened. This is what I was put on earth to do. As I felt her muscles move underneath my Spandex skin, I lifted and separated, smoothed and lengthened, and never was there a more amazing money maker in the known universe.

"Bella, you _have_ to get those." The Twig was my favorite person at the moment.

"I know it. It's like they were made for me."

Maybe I was. The clothing god was generous in that way, sometimes.

A few minutes later, I was wrapped in tissue paper, stuffed into a bag and we were on our way. I decided I'd better snuggle down and get some rest, so I'd be ready to dazzle some azzle for my LLL's heart throb when the time came. I couldn't wait.

The big night was here. My LLL pulled me on and paired me with a cropped top, black sweater in order to show off my labors to full effect.

"Ohhhh, Bella, you look so hot!" The Twig was back, dressed similarly to my LLL but her leggings were pared with a flouncy short skirt. Old Twig was smart. She knew she had nothing to fill her leggings with except sticks.

"I'm so nervous. What if I constantly fall on my ass tonight? I'll be so embarrassed."

"Didn't Edward say he'd teach you how to skate?"

"Yes."

"Well, just grab on to him and don't let go." The Twig cackled as she led us out to her car.

"Now, Bella, If Edward wants to take you home, it's okay with me. I'm sort of hoping he and Jasper come together so that we can do a switcheroo. You leave with Edward, and Jasper leaves with me. Who else is coming?"

"Jess and Mike said they'd be there. And Edward said he would invite some of his family members. He has two brothers, you know."

"Cool."

I wasn't interested in these details. To be honest, I was a little worried about my work going unnoticed because of the chance my LLL would spend the night flat on her back on the ice. I didn't worry about getting damp because my amazing material was water resistant. I'll keep my girl warm and dry. I'm a pro, after all, but it would be a shame if my form fitting benefits weren't shown off to their best advantage.

When we got to the rink, I pulled out all the stops. My LLL's ass was uplifted and smoothed, each curve cheekily nestled in my sleek black sexiness. We were stunning. The men she passed stopped dead in their tracks and the women turned green with envy. I was stylin', sassin', and taking no prisoners. LLL's curvaceous ass would go down in history.

"Bella, there he is…," Twig hissed.

I actually felt LLL's heart accelerate. Now was the time to put it all out there. I felt each particle of my shiny, supple material spring to action. My diamante heart and my long lines snapped into high gear as LLL's gorgeous behind and splendid legs were show-cased to the best of my ability. I hoped this Edward person was paying attention.

Evidently, that wasn't going to be a problem. There was a booming crash and my LLL cried out, "Edward! Are you all right?" as she rushed to his side and squatted down next to him as he lay sprawled on the floor.

"Oh, Bella…I'm sorry…it's just…oh, my God…you're killing me here…you're so gorgeous, it knocks me right off my feet."

Suddenly a woman tittered and said, "Edward, I've never known you to be so clumsy. Please introduce us to your friends."

The man scurried to his feet pulling my LLL up as he did so, blushing deeply in embarrassment. "Uh, Bella and Alice, I'd like you to meet my family. This is my Mom, that's my Dad, and over there are my brother, Emmett and, of course, my other brother, Jasper, whom you've met."

"Bella, we're so pleased to meet you. I hope you don't mind us tagging along. When Edward mentioned he was going ice-skating, we couldn't resist joining you. It's been years since we last skated, isn't that right, Carlisle?"

A woman with a toothy grin gazed at my LLL rather disparagingly, I thought, but _she_ was wearing an old-fashioned skating outfit that belonged in the last century. I huffed.

"But Edward," Outdated Toothy Grin said, "you forgot to include Rosalie in your introductions. She's almost family, after all. Bella, this is Edward's date, Rosalie Hale."

I can't be sure, but I think my Lovely Lady Lumps almost peed on me.

**Author's Note**: The prompt for this one was an "inanimate piece of furniture." Did you see any furniture in this chapter? No? Neither do I. When I submitted it, back in the day, the validator pointed out my error and I had to quick like a bunny write another Chapter from a piece of furniture's point of view. So, this is a two-fer.


	7. The Cabbage Rose Sofa

**Does My Ass Look Too Big in these Jeans?**

**Chapter 7—The Cabbage Rose Sofa**

**Place: Bella's Apartment**

**Point of View: The Cabbage Rose Sofa**

Oh, deary me, living with Bella has been such a pleasure. She's a sweet girl and I was thrilled when her mother decided to give me to her when she moved out on her own. I'd been a fixture in Renee's home for many years and had seen little Bella grow up. She sat on me watching cartoons and doing her homework. She draped herself over my arm as she had marathon gossip sessions with her girlfriends on the phone, and she cried into my cushions when her first boyfriend broke her heart. I was her favorite place to nap before dinner and where she watched TV when she was too sick to go to school.

I was so proud to move to Bellingham with her and make her little apartment fell like her girlhood home. Oh, I know I'm not as fancy as some, but one must admit my rose printed fabric lends a little elegance to the place.

I watched Bella throughout the months as she made this place _her_ place. She made art and hung curtains, had friends over, and was content. It made my stuffing feel all warm and mellow to see my Bella bloom.

Occasionally, friends would come over as they had this evening, or at least the little one, the one with dark hair. The girls were going out and much comment was made about how well little Bella's behind looked in her new pants. I was very familiar with that part of her body as we had sort of a symbiotic relationship. My cushions had their own particular indentation just because of it, I have to admit.

Soon, the lights were off, the door was locked, and I was having a wee nap, myself. Couches have to rest too, after all. I drifted off to sofa slumbers and was having a very delightful dream of being tickled with the upholstery attachment on the vacuum cleaner. His wand was just beginning to penetrate the slot between my cushions, when the door slammed open and the light sprang on.

"DAMN!" Bella threw her purse across the floor and her coat soon followed. She went to the refrigerator and pulled out a wine cooler, then paused a minute, put it back and got the bottle of tequila down from the cabinet above it.

She poured a shot and downed it, coming up red-faced and coughing.

Apparently, my little Bella was upset.

She slammed down another shot, then poured a third, and finally stumbled over to the comfort of my gently worn arms. My cushions would soften whatever blow had befallen her in the cold, hard world.

"Damn! Damn! Damn!" she was beginning to sniffle. Aw, my poor girl. I tried to make my pillows a little softer and cozier, just so she knew she was loved.

At that moment, her phone rang, and she stretched out to grab her purse that had come to rest nearby. Pulling it over, she reached inside and fished her cell out.

"Hello?" she said, dully.

Something indistinct was said on the other end.

"Hi, Alice. Yeah, I just got in."

She paused a minute.

"No, I had no problems. The bus went right by my house."

I could faintly hear a strident response.

"What was I supposed to do, Alice? I just couldn't stay there and see that. I had been wrong. He doesn't like me."

More nattering.

"Well, he likes my 'junky trunky' as you say, but, Alice, did you see that girl? She was a cross between Marilyn Monroe and a blonde Angelina Jolie. There's just no way I can compete with that."

My poor girl's voice was getting shaky, as though she was going to cry. I tried to shrug the blanket throw off my back cushions so that it would fall across her lap, and she could wrap up in its cozy comfort, but I couldn't move.

Alice continued to talk, and my girl listened, wiping her eyes on the back of her sleeve.

"She's with Emmett? But why?"

There were more words through the phone.

"Oh, I'm so sorry Edward and his Mother argued. Why?"

_Natter, natter_.

"Because of me?" My girl sounded shocked.

_Chitter, chatter_.

"I can't believe it. Why?"

_Blither, blather._

"But his mother said she was his date!"

_Talky, talky._

"You mean he hadn't invited Rosalie to the skating rink?"

"NO!"

Even I heard that.

"Wow. I don't know what to say."

_Prattle, prattle._

"But why would she be skating with Emmett?"

_Jibber, jabber._

"So then, who's Edward skating with?"

_Blabber, blabber._

"No one? What's he doing, then?"

_Yammer, Yammer._

"He's not there anymore? Where would he go?"

Just then, there was a soft knock at my Bell's front door.

"Someone's here, Alice. I need to go."

Wiping her eyes and blowing her nose, Bella hesitantly got up off of me and wove her way to the door—apparently the Tequila had kicked in—and peered through the peep hole. I heard her squeak and she quickly opened the door.

"Bella, I'm so sorry."

The tall one, who took such good care of my princess when she hurt her foot, was here! I had a particular fondness for him as he had propped Bella upon on me to tend to her, rather than putting her onto that snobby bed set. Never had I met a more conceited piece of furniture than that overstuffed mattress. I was just glad we lived in two separate rooms.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," my Bella said.

"I do. I should have told my mother and father they could come another time. My mother was the one who invited Rosalie. I had nothing to do with it."

"It's okay, Edward. I mean, really, it was just a get-together."

"I'm not dating Rosalie. In fact, I think she only came tonight so she could meet Emmett. It seems she's been angling to meet him for a while."

"She likes Emmett?"

"Apparently. My Mother makes a hobby of trying to set her sons up, so when Rosalie started hinting around to meet her son, Mom was all for it, only she got the wrong one."

"That's awkward."

"You're telling me. But anyway, I'm sorry my Mother screwed things up. I wanted to be with you."

My Bella hiccoughed and said, "Really?"

"Really."

"Well, then. I think you'd better come in."

Soon, they were sitting together on me and I promise, if I had a mouth, I'd be grinning. I'd never seen my Bella so happy. She was smiling and laughing and the tall one was doing the same.

But later, I have to say, they took things a little too far, at least as far I was concerned.

Oh, my poor, poor cushions.

**Author's Note: There's your animated furniture. And it seems that B & E have finally figured things out. I wonder how embarrassed Esme is? And did Carlisle take her to task? (I don't know. I haven't written that part.)**


	8. European Hardware and Bella Don't Mix

**Does My Ass Look Too Big in these Jeans?**

**Chapter 8: European Hardware and Bella Don't Mix**

**Bella's Point of View**

I stared into my closet wondering what I should wear. This was an important evening and my nerves were feeling it. Edward's parents had invited me to dinner. Truly, I wasn't sure I was going to survive. After all, I'd made such a stupendous impression at the skating party when I turned tail and ran.

I wanted to look my best but not overdo it. I was going for pretty-but-not-too-sexy so that meant that I needed to de-emphasize my shape. But then I thought about how Edward sort of loved my curves and started leaning towards pretty-with-a-sexy-subtext-that-maybe-his-parents-wouldn't-notice vibe.

Yeah. Right. How do you do that?

Why Mrs. Cullen picked Valentine's Day Evening to invite me and Edward to dinner, I'll never know. But maybe since it was the first Friday after I had begun to hang around with her son, she felt she needed to get to know me. Perhaps she didn't realize it was February fourteenth and a very special night for lovers, but then, Edward and I weren't quite lovers in the literal sense. The fact was, that ever since the skating party that wasn't, Edward and I had almost been inseparable, at least when we weren't working. Edward had a big project rolling out, so we practically never saw each other at the office, but most evenings found us curled up on my old sofa, eating carryout and watching movies—among other things.

And man-o-man, were those other things amazing! We kissed so much, my lips were chapped, and I had to start breaking out the Burt's Bees lip balm non-stop. My honey flavored lips seemed to egg Edward on, though, so it wasn't much of a solution for my sore lips. I discovered he loved when I straddled his lap because it gave his hands free reign to drift down my back and grab my ass. Every grope, every caress, every moan gave me goose bumps.

Oh, that man! I had become obsessed with him. But we hadn't gotten much further than what my old gym teacher had called "heavy petting" during sex ed and, for the moment, that was okay with me. I wasn't quite at the point where I felt confident enough for him to see me naked. Maybe with the lights out, though.

I finally settled on a dark plum wrap dress. It was prim enough for church but still girly. I even broke out stockings for the evening. Alice suggested I buy a pair of sheer, black thigh highs, claiming that they were the ultimate in feminine allure. They matched my desire to be subtly sexy since Dr. and Mrs. Cullen wouldn't see them, but maybe Edward might. It was a thought, anyway.

Edward was right on time to pick me up and I greeted him at my door with a kiss. He blushed and grinned like the ten-year-old he once was and handed me a red rose. "Happy Valentin's Day, Bella. Will you be mine?"

"That's a given." He leaned over to kiss me again. I could hardly cope with his sweetness, even though he seemed a little nervous.

"You okay?" I asked.

"Yes. I'm fine. Really." He stepped back to look at me, his eyes wide. "You look phenomenal!"

"Thanks. I wasn't sure what to wear."

"That's perfect." He traced his hands down my arms. "I'm a lucky guy to have a girl like you."

I blushed. "Am I your girl?"

"Well, yes. I hope so. I mean, is that okay with you?"

I slid my arms around his waist. "Most definitely."

He grinned and kissed me again, then pulled back and said, "I'm so glad. Let's go and get this part of the night over. We can leave right after dinner. Then, we can have our own private Valentine's Day celebration; if you'd like to, that is?"

Secretly I was relieved, but that was just my nerves again. "We can do whatever you'd like. I'm happy either way. Do you think this is going to be an uncomfortable meal? Are your folks not happy with me?"

"Oh, they're fine, but they can be a little crazy. I'm afraid you won't like them."

"Do you like them?"

"Most of the time."

"Then, I'm sure I will like them most of the time, too." I smiled trying to reassure him any myself at once.

He laughed and grabbed my coat. "Well, let's get this over."

Twenty minutes later, we were pulling into a winding driveway that led up to an absolutely beautiful Frank Lloyd Wrightish house. You know the kind: wood, glass, breath-takingly lovely, a part of its natural surroundings, and so gorgeous you couldn't imagine slopping around on the living room sofa in your underwear, watching old John Hughes movies, eating Chubby Hubby out of the carton with an iced-tea spoon.

"Wow, Edward. This is some house."

"Yeah. My Mom is a decorator and really gets into these sorts of things."

He let us inside and took my coat as I looked around this _Better Homes and Gardens_ candidate. It was gorgeous, more gorgeous than I was prepared for. Edward was really slumming it with me.

"Come on through here. Mom and Dad are probably in the family room." He led me upstairs and down a hallway into a gorgeous oak-paneled room. His parents were having a drink as they watched the local news.

When Edward's mother caught sight of us, she swept over to where we stood. "Hello, Bella! I'm so glad to see you again!"

"Nice to see you, too, Mrs. Cullen." Her beauty and elegance up close were stunning and I could feel all my insecurities start to bubble up even more than they had already.

"Oh, we'll have none of that! Call me Esme. Carlisle, darling, get the kids something to drink."

"What will you have?" Carlisle was an affable man, already reaching for the martini shaker. This was a bad sign, as hard liquor and I have a rather unpredictable relationship. I never know whether it's going to be my friend or turn me into a stumbling idiot.

"I'm driving, Dad, so I'll just have a coke. Bella?"

"That sounds fine with me," I agreed.

"Oh, for heaven's sake! Carlisle and I can't be the only ones having a little fire starter, eh? Carlisle fix Bella one of your specials. She'll like that." Esme grinned at me, sure that I would like her suggestion.

And who was I to object? I really didn't want a drink, but I really didn't want to reject Esme's suggestion, either. "I guess I'll try it, thank you."

"Oh, you _will _thank me. It's delicious!"

I watched as Carlisle fixed a concoction that had at least three shots of various alcohols in it and a lot of pineapple juice. This didn't bode well.

"So, Bella, Edward says you are an artist?" Esme asked as Carlisle worked on my drink.

"Well, I guess you could say so. I work in the graphic design department at _GoNet._"

"But Bella, you do so much more than that. Your paintings are amazing!" Edward said.

I could feel my blush start around the center of my chest and work its way up. I hated talking about my art. It was so personal.

"Really?" Esme asked. "I'm always looking for good artwork for my designs. Have you ever sold?"

"I never tried to sell my paintings, except for the few that I had in showings back when I was in college. I never know what to ask."

"Let me see your work one day. I might be able to use it, if you agree."

_Wow. Really? I could really make money off my art? _ There was the private part of me that shouted _No!_ But there was another part that was thinking how lovely it would be to be able to sell my work instead of selling my soul like I did at _GoNet._

That idea got me so flustered that when Carlisle handed me my drink, I bobbled it and knocked it all over the front of my dress. Shit! My clumsiness strikes again!

Everyone sprung to action: Carlisle picked up the glass that had fallen to the floor, Esme cried, "I'll get a towel!" as she ran to the kitchen, and Edward started dabbing at my chest with his napkin until he realized he was groping me in front of his parents and quit.

"Oh, man! I'm so sorry." I was mortified. I was such a klutz. What a great impression I was continuing to make!

Esme returned and handed me a dish towel. "Oh, honey, you ruined the front of your dress. Edward, give Bella something to change into and we can quickly throw her dress into the washer/dryer. It'll take no time at all."

"Oh, I don't want to be a trouble." Geesh, I was so not coming over well here.

"It's no trouble, dear. Edward will show you where you can change."

Edward grabbed my hand and led me down a nearby hall to what evidently was his room. He fished around in a drawer and pulled out a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. "These will be too big for you, but you can roll them up and they'll do until your dress is done."

"I feel like such an idiot! Your parents must think I'm a fool."

"No, they don't. Dad was the one who spilled your drink."

"No, he didn't. I dropped it when he handed it to me. It was my fault."

"Bella, it was an accident. Look here…" He pulled me close and kissed me on the forehead. "It's fine. Just change and we'll wash and dry your dress and it'll be good as gold. No harm, no foul."

Sighing, I took his clothes and went into the bathroom that he pointed out. I didn't close the door all the way so I could quickly slip off my dress and hand it to him as he waited in the hallway.

"I'll just put this in the washer. Don't worry, sweetheart, it will be okay. I'll meet you back in the family room."

Smiling shakily, I shut the door. I needed the privacy so I could break down without an audience. I couldn't believe I made such a mess. I looked into the mirror and shook my head as tears welled in my eyes. Edward was way out of my reach. I didn't know why he was spending so much time with me. Well, it was all about my badonkadonk, I knew, but what else had I to offer the man? I was just a middle class, average girl who just made a complete fool out of herself in front of his parents.

I was sniveling as I washed the sticky drink residue off my chest. I saw that my bra had been soaked, too, so I sponged it as best I could and then tried to blot it dry. My tears still fell as I pulled on Edward's sweats. They were probably pretty loose on him, but my junk-trunk filled it out, almost to bursting. Hopefully, the t-shirt would hang long enough to cover. I noticed it was not exactly a t-shirt but an old jersey of some sort. It had _Cullen_ emblazoned across the back and even though I was on a big self-pity parade, wearing something of his gave me a thrill. No matter what, I was with Edward tonight. He had asked me to be his Valentine. He had called me sweetheart.

Taking one last look in the mirror, I wiped the track of my tears off my cheeks as best I could and decided it was time to face the music. _Please God, don't let me make more of a moron out of myself than I already had!_

I turned the doorknob to leave the bathroom and was surprised to find it wouldn't open. No matter how I twisted and turned the knob, it wouldn't budge. I rattled and pulled and looked for a button or a dial but I couldn't figure out how to unlock the door. _Oh, my God. This evening is just going from bad to worse._ Edward's parents are going think I'm beyond ridiculous. I can't even open a damn bathroom door. Who on earth could be so pathetic?

I was getting panicky. I didn't want to damage the door or the lock, so kicking it was out of the question. Everything in this house was so upscale, I was sure it would cost me a week's wages or more if I had to replace anything I broke. I looked around and saw a window above the sunken bathtub across the room. Perhaps I could crawl out the window, then sneak back inside the house, and they'd never know the difference? Perhaps they'd think the door locked itself after I'd left?

I studied the window and the drop outside. It wasn't too bad, only about a four- or five-foot difference from the sill of the window to the ground. I swung the window open and then wondered how I'd shut it after I crawled out? Maybe I could push it shut and hope the latch caught? I didn't have a choice, I realized. So, I sat down on the windowsill and swung my legs outside. Then, I tried to slide down the side of the house but lost my grip and fell into the bushes below the window. Guess what the bushes were.

Yep.

Rose buses with three-inch thorns.

I didn't know what was worse, the agony of being impaled on what were probably Esme's prize roses or the knowledge I was continuing to screw this evening up worse with every decision I made. I considered just lying there hoping for death, but it was too cold. I was able to extricate myself from the bushes by cussing and unfortunately breaking a few branches off. I turned to shut the window, only to find it wouldn't stay shut. How do I get myself into these stupid situations?

I warily scrambled around the rose bushes and then started to brush the dirt off my clothes. It was then I noticed I'd torn a hole in the knee of Edward's sweats, including the sexy black thigh highs I had on underneath. I could feel a scratch that streaked down my cheek. To top it off, I broke the strap of my high heel. I should just give it up. I could feel my hair coming undone from the twist I'd put it up on a more hopeful note when I was getting ready for the evening. So much for being subtle. So much for being sexy.

I stood there in the dark yard, freezing to death—February in Washington State isn't jersey wearing weather—slowly realizing there was no way I could go back inside and finesse this whole thing away. I wouldn't be surprised if tonight was the last time I'd ever see Edward again. He was going to run fast and far when he realized how crazy and just plain hopeless I really was.

Suddenly there was a blinding light and a shout, "PUT YOUR HANDS UP AND TURN AROUND SLOWLY!"

Holy Shit! It was the police! Why were they here? Were they talking to me? What did I do?

"I REPEAT: PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND TURN AROUND SLOWLY!" I think I even heard the click of a handgun to underscore their order.

I slowly and shakily put my hands up over my head and turned around to face three of Bellingham's finest leveling their guns at me and looking exactly like they meant business.

You know, now it didn't matter that Edward would dump me like a load of trash. My father was going to kill me. His copper buddies were going to take great delight in letting him know the predicament I was in. Not only would he never live this down, neither would I.

As one of the police officers came up behind me to pull my hands down and cuff them behind my back, I looked up to see Edward, Carlisle, and Esme standing on their porch in stunned silence as the police did their duty. Now, I knew I was going to puke. If God was merciful as religion claimed, surely He'd open a rift under my feet and swallow me up.

"Wait, Officer, she's our guest," called Edward as he rushed to my side. I felt tears of embarrassment rise in my eyes.

"Your guest?"

"Yes."

"But your house alarm went off."

"It must have been a malfunction. Really, let her go. She's my girlfriend."

"You're sure about this?"

"Absolutely!"

By that point, Carlisle approached the officers and said, "Yes, she's our house guest. Please, let her go."

I couldn't look any of them in the eye. Not the policeman who begrudgingly undid the handcuffs, nor Carlisle who was making nice with the cops, nor Esme who was still standing on the porch with her hand covering her mouth in disgust, I was sure, and especially not Edward. If someone could completely wreck a relationship in one night, I'd win the Olympic Gold medal.

Edward led me inside with Esme following, her hand still guarding her mouth but for some reason it looked to me she was trying to stifle a grin instead of a grimace. Edward led me back through to the family room, sat me down on a sofa next to him, took my hand and said, "Bella, are you okay?"

There was a knot in my throat as big as a watermelon and the tears in my eyes made him blurry, so I just nodded my head.

"How did…what happened?" he asked. The care in his voice and concern in his gaze overwhelmed me and I started sobbing. He gathered me into his arms, and I ruined the second shirt of his that night.

"It's okay, Bella. It's okay." He held me close and patted my back. Some tissues appeared from out of nowhere and soon I was trying to get a hold of myself, trying to regain some dignity. I feared that was hopeless, however. I was about as dignified as the _People of Walmart_.

When I was finally able to speak, Carlisle had joined us, evidently having been successful in seeing the police off. Esme was staring at me with a spark in her eye for some reason, and Edward had a little frown between his eyebrows. I never knew a forehead could frown, but Edward's could.

"What happened? How'd you get outside?" His voice was gentle.

"I…I crawled through the window."

"That's probably what set off the alarm," Carlisle said. It figures a hoity-toity house like this would have an alarm system to catch burglars and stupid people.

"But why did you crawl through the bathroom window?" Edward persisted.

"I couldn't unlock the door."

Carlisle snorted. "Hah! Esme's fancy European doorknobs strike again!"

"They looked so well on paper," Esme said.

Shaking his head, Carlisle said, "Yeah, but not in reality. Bella, you aren't the first those locks have trapped. Esme's mother was stuck in there just last week for an hour."

"How did she get out?" I asked.

"She yelled until someone rescued her. Esme, we've got to get those locks replaced. We can't continue to do this to our guests."

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I should have warned you about the lock," Edward said as he squeezed me.

"I'm sorry, too. I ripped your pants and your jersey when I fell into the rose bushes, and I think I hurt your roses, too, Esme. I'm so, so sorry."

"Oh, it's okay. From the looks of you, the roses won that round," Esme said. "Really, they were here when we moved in, and I've just never taken them out. They don't do so well in the weather here and need more care than they're worth."

Edward traced a gentle finger down the scratch on my face. "Come on, Bella, I bet your dress is ready by now. Let's get you changed, and I'll put some antibiotic on this scratch."

He led me back to his room, stopping along the way to get my dress out of the machine and once he had me in his room, he gathered me into his arms and kissed along the scratch on my face. He drew back and smiled. "You should have called for me, Bella, it's no sin to be locked in the bathroom."

"Not a sin, maybe, but a pretty stupid thing to do."

"Are you calling my Nana stupid? As well as all the people before her, including yours truly? It's the lock's fault, not yours."

"I just didn't want to seem more of a dope to your parents than I already had."

"They don't feel that way, not at all. In fact, they like you."

I scoffed. "Yeah, right."

Edward just smiled and shook his head as he applied some ointment to my cheek. "If you got scratched elsewhere, just use this. I'll leave you to change. Just come to the family room when you're finished."

I made damn sure I didn't shut his bedroom door completely when he left, not risking locking myself in a room again while I was here. I quickly put on my dress, pleased to see the stain had come out of the bodice. I had a huge run in my hose, so I just pulled them off and threw them in Edward's trash can. So much for sexy. I brushed out my hair. I wasn't going to worry about fixing it back up again. Edward's parents had seen me at my worst.

I made my way back to the family room when I heard Esme laughing. I stopped in my tracks figuring she was laughing at me and my foolish behavior. My face was turning red again, but my embarrassment soon turned to shock when I heard her say, "Edward, you have got to marry that girl. She's wonderful!"

Edward responded, "I'll see what I can do about that, Mom, but in the meantime, don't chase her away with your crazy before I have the chance to convince her that would be a good idea."

That's when I fainted.

I sure knew how to make an evening memorable.

**Author's Note:**

**The prompt for this one was: Locked in the Loo.**

**Also, since I didn't used the word "loo" in this American tale, I decided I would use the combo washer/dryer machine that I found when I visited the UK. It was fabulous. You'd put your load in, add the soap, etc., in little dispensers, set the dials for the wash, and then set the other dials for the drying, and, Bob's your Uncle, come back later and you're all done, ready to fold.**

**The People of Walmart is a website devoted to how some people dress to go to Walmart. To say they're outlandish is an under-statement.**


	9. Kitchen Conversations

**Does My Ass Look Too Big in these Jeans?**

**Chapter 9: Kitchen Conversations**

**Bella's Point of View**

"Bella, could you pass me the potatoes?" Esme asked.

"These are awfully good. I never had such tasty mashed potatoes," I said as I passed the plate.

"Oh, I dress them up a bit. I add sour cream, butter, and some green onions, sort of like a mashed up baked potato."

"I'll tell you what, Esme, next time you should also add bacon. They'd be perfect, then." Carlisle was a man after my own heart.

"Mmmmmmm. Bacon." Edward would have drooled had he not just taken a mouthful of the London broil. I'd already known Edward was my kind of man, this just sealed the deal.

"Maybe next time, boys. So, Bella tell me about your art. What's your style?"

"It ranges, I guess, depending upon my mood. I have gone from impressionistic to realistic."

Edward chimed in. "Mom, she has a mural of a north Pacific rainforest in her apartment that is really amazing."

"You do murals?"

"I've done a few. They're fairly easy."

"They are also the latest in home décor. Just last week, I had a request from a client for a mural of _Bag End_ for his new baby's nursery."

"Really? You mean from _The Hobbit_?"

"Exactly. I have been looking for someone to do it but haven't had any luck."

"That sounds like fun to me."

"Would you like to do it?" Esme actually sounded excited.

"Well, I've never done something like that for pay before."

"You're an artist, right? Let's try it. You'd be helping me out."

"Okay but let me give you some sketches first before you commit to it. You may not like my work."

"It's worth a shot. I have some pictures and dimensions of the room in my office. Do you have an email I can send them to? I'll do it tonight."

"Sure. I'll write it down before I leave. Maybe you should come over to my apartment to see the mural I have? That could give you an idea of what I can do. It may not be what you have in mind."

"That's sounds good to me! When can we do it?"

"Anytime you'd like."

"Tomorrow?"

"That's fine."

"About lunch time?"

"Sure, I can fix something for us."

"No, you won't. I'll bring something, my treat. Now, Edward, are you working over the weekend?"

"Yes, but I don't have to go in until the afternoon. They're updating some software in the morning and I have to wait until that's done before I can start working with it."

"Technology is both a blessing and a curse." Carlisle's comment was surprising.

"How so?" Edward asked.

"We become so reliant on it we can't seem to function without it. It didn't used to be like that."

"And here comes _Dad-the-Luddite_ version," Edward said, snickering into his next bite of green beans.

"No really, Edward. Things were much simpler before all this technology. I bet, Bella, you find it much more satisfying creating art with a brush and paints than a cursor, don't you?"

"You've got that right. Using the computer to make art isn't my favorite thing but I have to admit it puts food on my table and a roof over my head. I never had the fortitude to be a starving artist."

"That's a good point. Starving isn't as glamorous in reality as it is in the hypothetical," Esme said.

"The fact is, Dad, neither Bella nor myself would be employed if it weren't for technology. And just look at how accurate you can be in surgery now that you've incorporated computers."

You could tell this was an old conversation by everyone's pat responses to it. At Edward's last comment Carlisle grumbled, and Esme got up. "I'm going to get dessert."

"Let me help," I said, trying to make up for my blunders earlier in the evening. I followed her into the kitchen.

"Are you feeling better, dear?" Esme asked as she got a cake out of a warming oven.

"Yes. It must have been all the excitement that got me light-headed. I'm fine now." I blushed as I remembered Edward's worried face looking into mine as I came to after I had fainted.

"Yes, you've been through a lot tonight. I think you were just dehydrated. As soon as you sat down and had some supper, your color improved."

"I'm fine, really." I smiled to try to give my words sincerity. I didn't want to worry her.

"I'll cut the cake and you scoop the ice cream," Esme said, apparently done with the subject, to my relief.

I said, "Boy, this chocolate cake looks good."

"It's a favorite. I don't let it cool down completely so the ice cream melts a little when you put it on top."

"My two favorite things: chocolate cake and vanilla ice cream."

"I should have made this cake in the shape of a heart for Valentine's Day, I guess."

"But once you cut it, you never know the shape, do you?"

"I suppose you're right. I bet you're wondering why I had you over on Valentine's Day in the first place."

"It is an unusual day to be invited to the parent's for dinner."

"I suppose so, but Carlisle wouldn't be off for the weekend for a couple of weeks and I just couldn't wait that long."

"Oh."

"Edward seems so happy with you, Bella."

"He makes me happy, too."

"That's wonderful. He's a good boy."

"I was sure you'd be horrified by me after all my gaffes this evening."

"Not at all. It seems to run in the family. Did Edward ever tell you how his father and I met?"

"No, he didn't."

"It makes your problems tonight look like nothing."

"Really?"

"Yep. Carlisle was an intern in the Emergency Room one night when I was admitted."

"Was it love at first sight?"

"Not hardly. I had a cyst."

"Those are painful."

"And embarrassing. My cyst was on my ass."

I couldn't help but to laugh.

"There are many things that can cause cysts but some of them are from STDs."

"Oh, no."

"The nurse that did triage automatically assumed I had a cyst because I was a prostitute and it was a consequence of my business activities. She _told Carlisle_ her opinion before he even saw me.

"So, here this drop-dead gorgeous doctor walks into my examination room and thinks I'm a hooker. It was lovely, let me tell you. Then, I had to turn around and drop trou so he could treat the thing. I was mortified. In actuality, I was an innocent sophomore at a nearby women's college. I had hardly even dated."

"Oh, you poor thing. How did you get it straightened out?"

"As I was getting dressed, I overheard the nurse talking about the prostitute in examination room three, _which was me_, and I went ballistic. I marched out into the nurse's station and reamed her out. Carlisle was in the room and it seems my temper impressed him. So, the next day he called me up to see how I was doing and asked me out."

I laughed again and said, "At least the police weren't involved."

"Well, there's that, but I can assure you it was a long time before Carlisle got to see my ass again. I made him work for it." She winked at me, picked up two of the desserts and waltzed back out to the dining room leaving me open-mouthed in the kitchen.

Edward's mother was a pistol, that's for sure. I think I was going to like hanging around this family.

**Author's Note: The prompt for this one was "Talk to Me." I don't remember the details of the prompt (they gave explanations of what they were looking for), so I suppose we were to write about an intimate conversation. I guess Esme's ass story was intimate enough. From my experience, some of the most telling conversations I've had have occurred in a kitchen.**

**After reviewing this story, etc., I've discovered that this Edward and Bell say, "I'm sorry" or "I'm so, so sorry" a lot. I also have discovered that I used "pretty" as an adverb A LOT. For example, "I was pretty amazed" "He was pretty close to me", etc. I've edited out most of them. They both simply may be how I've characterized two introverted people. See, this is the purpose of the prompt exercise-to get you to explore your writing. Interesting.**


	10. Adventure

**Does My Ass Look Too Big in these Jeans?**

**Chapter 10: Adventure**

**Edward's Point of View**

I couldn't believe how badly this date was going. Bella would most likely tell me to go to hell when it was over.

I had been a little nervous bringing her over to meet my parents so early in our relationship. Make that, I was _a lot_ nervous, but Mom had insisted, and Bella seemed to be willing and so, I decided to get it over with. I had thought it was a good thing they invited us on Valentine's Day because we had a ready-made excuse to leave as soon as dinner was over. Surely my folks wouldn't expect us to spend the whole evening with them.

My parents were, to put it mildly, a little bizarre.

Don't get me wrong, they were the best parents a guy could have. They always listened and encouraged us to discover new things, enjoy the unusual, and to reach for our dreams. They were always there for us, from little league, to boy scouts, to football games, and even, for one disastrous season, Chess Club. (I tried to convince Mom she wasn't supposed to cheer during the matches. She still always got carried away until our sponsor suggested she not come anymore.) Mom and Dad were always loving and supportive and _there_.

But they were strange. You never knew when you'd come home to a full body game of tag where home base was Mom and Dad's California King—I shudder to think of what the winner's prize had been. Or, it could be the re-enactment of _Gone with the Wind_—the burning of Atlanta was a favorite—or an impromptu sock-hockey game in the family room. Add to the fact, my mother has no verbal filter, and you have a recipe for the most awkward of awkward moments, especially when girlfriends were about.

But I must admit, Emmett, Jasper, and I turned out pretty well by their methods, though none of us had yet felt the need to leave our family home. I know that is a little strange at our ages, but we were comfortable and happy.

I think Mom was ready for us to move out, however. For the last few years, she had been trying to set us up with whatever eligible female she happened to meet. This resulted in a parade of embarrassed girls being bushwhacked into meeting one or the other of us, and to no avail. None of Mom's girls filled the bill, at least as far as I was concerned.

Without Mom's help, I'd had my eyes set on Bella for a while and ever since the arctic company picnic, it seemed that my hopes and dreams were finally coming true. Bella was everything I ever wanted in a woman. She was beautiful, smart, talented, funny, and, even though it makes me sound like a horn-dog, she had the most amazing ass. I must admit it was her curves that captured my attention at first, but everything else that I'd learned about her since made that fade into a pleasing background. It was obvious to me that Bella was the "then" to my "if" statement. (Sorry, computer nerd here.) She was rapidly becoming my everything and I had great hopes for our future.

That is, until this horrible night.

When I picked her up, I could barely breathe, she was so beautiful. For the first time since I've known her, she wore her hair up, exposing her slender neck and delicate ears. Her dress accentuated her loveliness so well; my body started responding in way my mother would be ashamed to know. I almost suggested that we call off the dinner and order a pizza so I could just wrap myself around my girl, but my folks were expecting us, and Bella seemed eager to go as well; so, against my better judgment, we went.

And that's when everything went to hell. Practically the minute we got through my parent's door my father spilled a drink down Bella's front. Then, when she went to wash up, my mother's fancy doorknobs trapped her in the bathroom. That made her so uncomfortable, she didn't want to call for help. In an attempt to fix the situation on her own, she climbed out the bathroom window only to be attacked by my mom's vicious rosebushes. Unfortunately, the opened window triggered my Dad's hypersensitive alarm system, so the police showed up and tried to arrest Bella, after which she was so overcome, she fainted dead away. Fortunately, she didn't hit her head and came to rather quickly, but I was sure she had had it with my mom, my dad, and me.

To put the icing on this shit cake, when Mom came out of the kitchen with our dessert, I thought I heard the tail end of her "How I met Edward's Dad" story about her ass boil.

I mean, who brags about crap like that?

Bella was going to think my whole family, including me, was deranged.

She was being her typical, sweet self but I knew this was it. There was no help for us after tonight. Bella was going to dump me like Miley dumped Liam, if for a different reason.

Fearing my mother would trot out another of her let's-embarrass-Edward stories, I hurried Bella out of there as soon as we ate the last bite of Mom's killer chocolate cake.

"Bella, I'll be over your place around twelve tomorrow, okay?" I heard my mom say. A sense of dread came over me then and I didn't think it was just my dinner disagreeing with me. Bella and Mom alone? That scared me more than the possibility of a power outage during a Fortnight raid. But the fact Bella seemed okay with it sort of indicated that she wasn't going to kick me to the curb, at least not now, didn't it?

I finally got her back into my car, and before starting the engine, turned to her not knowing what to say. She smiled at me and said, "Way to ruin and evening, hunh?"

"Oh, Bella, I'm so sorry. Please let me make it up to you."

"What? No, you didn't ruin the evening, _I_ did."

"No, _you_ didn't. My crazy family did." I slapped my hands on the steering wheel and shook my head. "I never should have agreed to bring you here. I knew it would turn out this way."

"What are you talking about? _I _spilled a drink on myself. _I_ locked myself in the bathroom. _ I_ set off the alarm. _ I_ almost got arrested. _I_ fainted. Your family had nothing to do with it." She put her hand on my leg as if in supplication.

"Is that the way you see it?"

"Of course, how could I see it any other way?" She reached up to run her fingers through my hair.

"I've lived with my folks all my life and stuff like this always happens. They are disaster magnets."

She scooted closer to me. "It's really okay, Edward. We survived. After my mess ups, I can even say I had a good time. Your parents made me feel welcomed. I like them."

"You like them?" I said as I put my arm around her.

"Yes, they're wonderful. You mother is so funny."

"So, the ass rot story didn't disgust you?"

"No, it was hilarious! It's a perfect story to embarrass the kids with. Almost as funny as ours will be…" Now, Bella stopped, shock written all over her face as she slapped her hand over her mouth.

But I had heard what she said, and hope bloomed in my heart. I smiled as I pulled her closer and finished, "…to embarrass our kids with?"

She just looked at me with big eyes and muttered, "I sometimes say the wrong thing."

"The wrong thing? No, that was probably the best thing ever." I pulled her hand away from her lips and leaned down.

As we kissed, all I could think about was something my Dad had said to me once a long time ago. "Son," He had said, "you only live once, but make sure you find a girl that makes the living an adventure."

I knew at that moment, I had.

**Author's Notes:**

**The prompt for this one was "Finish it with 'You only live once, but…"**


	11. Rules

**Does My Ass Look Too Big in these Jeans?**

**Chapter 11 Rules**

When it came to being a good girlfriend, I really didn't know what I was doing.

Sure, I'd dated some in high school and college, but nothing serious. My boyfriends were more "friends" than "boyfriends," if you know what I mean. It was just that no one caught my eye and lodged in my heart as much as Edward had. I wanted to keep him and, apparently, form what he had said to his mother tonight, he wanted to keep me, too. That gave me a thrill, while at the same time scaring the piss out of me.

I just hoped I didn't blow it and chase him away simply because I weirded him out somehow. I was good at doing that.

We sat in companionable silence as Edward drove me home from his parents' house. We'd decided not to go out for drinks because I had broken my shoe when I climbed/fell out of the bathroom window, so we simply opted to grab a bottle of wine and go to my apartment. I'd even break out the candles and Bryan Adams, or was that too much?

See? I didn't know.

As Edward stopped at the store to pick up the wine, I sat in the front seat of his car and tried to remember something of the numerous _Cosmo_ magazine surveys Alice and I had filled out over the years. They ranged from "_What A Man Wants_," to "_How to Give A Man What He Wants_," all the way up to "_How to Be More Than He Could Ever Dream of Wanting._" I could only remember four or five of their "rules" but as my brain pried them out from wherever it had decided to store them, I grew gradually more and more horrified. I'd broken every one of them and horribly so.

The first one I remembered was, "Always show him your best side." I immediately had a vision of my fat ass splayed across his field of vision as I crawled up that stupid mountain at the picnic. Crap.

The second one was something like, "Make a good impression on his family." Oh Lord, I certainly blew that one tonight. For all their graciousness, his parents probably think I am an idiot.

The fourth was borrowed from the author that most men revered, Ernest Hemingway: "Be graceful under pressure." All I could think of was how I fainted in his arms the day I cut my foot, how I managed to douse myself with a martini, fall out of a bathroom window into a woman-eating rose bush, and then topped it off by being manhandled by the police. Geesh.

The fifth was "Be friends with his friends." I didn't even know his friends, but I knew from what he said, most of his friends were brainiacs. I'm sure if they met me, they'd think I was a dumb ass. They'd probably be right.

I was steadily getting more and more depressed. We were just starting this relationship and I was already failing! By the time Edward had returned to the car with the wine, I was half convinced to ask him to just drop me off and go on his merry way.

But when he got into the car and handed me the bottle of wine, he smiled at me so sweetly that it took my breath away causing my heart to flutter in ways I'd never felt before. It wasn't long before I was opening the door to my apartment and letting us both in.

"How about you open the bottle while I get out of this dress?" I asked. Even though we had washed the thing, I still felt sticky wearing it.

"Sure," he said. I showed him where the corkscrew and wine glasses were and then disappeared into my bedroom. Staring into my closet, I gazed hopelessly at my pitiful wardrobe. I hadn't planned to change out of my dress and so I wasn't quite sure what I should change into.

When in doubt about clothes, I only had one choice—call Alice. I grabbed my phone.

"Alice, I don't know what to do."

"What do you mean?" I could hardly hear her for all of the background noise. I didn't know she was going out tonight.

"Am I calling at a bad time?"

"No, not really. Jasper asked me out clubbing tonight and I'm taking a breather. Let me tell you—that boy can DANCE!"

"Oh, wow! I shouldn't have called. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"No really, Bella, I can talk." The music and noise faded as Alice must have walked to a quieter location. "What's wrong."

"Oh, Alice, it would take a bottle of Tequila and a girls' night out to tell you all about what happened to me tonight, but let's just say Edward's come home with me to share some wine and talk."

"The dinner with the parents didn't work out?"

"Oh, it finally worked out, but not without me making an idiot of myself a million times, first. Listen, I don't have time to tell you now. The reason I'm calling you is to ask what I should change into. I want comfort, but I don't want to look like a homeless person."

"How about your pjs?"

"Well, that would be sort of obvious, wouldn't it?"

"Not as obvious as a black lace teddy," she snickered.

"Right. I don't own a black lace teddy, anyway." The vision of me wearing something like that was appalling.

"You should."

I snorted. Alice was nuts, though her taste in clothes was flawless. "No really, what should I wear?"

"Hmmm. Wear your newest pair of yoga pants and that little crop top T-shirt. Let your hair down."

"Oh, Alice are you sure?"

"Sure I'm sure. Edward loves your booty."

"Well, okay." I still felt a little weird about letting my butt loose but I trusted Alice in this. So far, she'd never steered me wrong.

"Yeah, and put on some of that Flowerbomb perfume, too. He'll love it."

"Thanks, Alice. I need to go. Edward's probably wondering if I fell in by now."

"Okay! Have fun. Oh, Jasper's looking for me. I need to go, too."

And so, we hung up and I finally got out of that stupid dress and into the outfit Alice suggested. I have to say, the yoga pants and t-shirt were a hundred times more comfortable than what I had been wearing. I brushed out my hair and dabbed some of the perfume—that incidentally, Alice had given me for Christmas this year- behind my ears, on my wrists, and between my breasts. It did smell pretty good; I have to say.

When I came out of my bedroom, I discovered that Edward and I were on the same page. He'd lit some candles and turned down the lights, but instead of getting out the Bryan Adams, he was playing a really old song on his iPhone that he'd connected to my Bluetooth speakers.

I sat down on the sofa next to him. "Who's this?" I asked.

He put his arm around me. "It's the first song in a mix I made for you."

"Really?" I was so touched.

"Yep. This one's called _You've Made Me So Very Happy_ by _Blood, Sweat and Tears_."

"So, I make you happy?" I asked, as I curled up under his arm and put my own around him.

"Yes, you definitely do. I'm the happiest guy in the world."

As he kissed me, one last_ Cosmo_ rule popped into my head: "Make him happy. If you do, nothing else matters."

I guess I wasn't such a bad girlfriend after all.

**Author's Notes:**

**The prompt for this one was entitled "Rule Me Out" I guess we had to list some rules or something close.**


	12. You Will Be ASSimilated

**Does My Ass Look Too Big in these Jeans?**

**Chapter 12 Morale Building Exercises are Futile. You Will be ASSimilated. **

** Unfortunately, Esme kept her appointment with Bella, but you won't witness it because Mrs. Brownloe, old and infirm of mind, forgot to write it. However, Mrs. B knows what happened. Edward came with his mother just to make sure Mom didn't get too Momish and weird Bella out. But everything went well. Both Bella and Esme were on their best behavior. Bella's art was perfect as far as Esme was concerned and she subcontracted her to paint the mural of Bag-End for her client. Bella was stunned when she discovered she was being paid nearly a third of her yearly salary for the project. Because she was paid so much to do it, Bella freaked out and worked twice as hard as she needed to make sure the final project was perfect. It was, though she didn't get a good night's sleep for three weeks. Mrs. B knows it was perfect because in fact, two of Mrs. B's actual grandchildren had a mural of Bag-End in their nursery, and so that's where Esme's client got the idea. Bella's mural covered the entire room; walls, floor and ceiling. It depicted the party tree, a Hobbit hole, with Bilbo sitting on the stoop blowing smoke rings and an old wizard wandering down a path in the distance. It was enchanting. The one in Mrs. B's grand's nursery was gorgeous and we all cried real tears when it had to be painted over due to the daggone habit of little babies growing up to be teenagers. **

**So, we pick up a month later and it's time for St. Patrick's Day! **

**Bella's point of view:**

_GoNet's_ social committee was at it again. We were going to have a St. Patrick's Day party in the company cafeteria. I wasn't at all thrilled about this. Prescribed merriment in the name of morale building was actualy painful. Besides, since there's a strict no alcohol policy at work, that means no green beer. Even though I don't drink it, what's the point of St. Patrick's Day celebrations without green beer or Bailey's shots? Besides, it was the only possibility of dulling the awkwardness of mandated merriment. It's a wonder that social committees never see what a horrible idea this sort of thing is and how much most of the employees loathe it. Our flagging morale was in danger of being completely exterminated through these shenanigans.

Heh. I said shenanigans.

Currently, all the short-statured employees were being dragooned into wearing garish shamrock embellished Kelly-green suits in order to pass out boxes of Lucky Charms cereal that they were to pull out of their fake posts of gold. I'd heard that the nuts and berries crowd were unhappy that they weren't passing out muesli instead, but they got out voted by the purists.

As I passed the conference room where these victims were being given their instructions, I heard them being schooled into using a thick brogue as they did their thing. You could just feel the waves of embarrassment and mortification rolling off them as I walked by. I couldn't imagine a more cringe-worthy job, and was so glad I was deemed a little too big to play the part. Finally, my lard-ass came in handy.

But I really shouldn't say that. Edward loved my bodacious booty. We had been dating for almost two months, and I must admit, they had been the best two months of my life. He treated me like a Queen. He was so thoughtful, always bringing me treats and leaving sweet messages on my voice mail. I think I was falling in love. For real.

As time passed, we found we had more and more in common. For instance, both of us loved the old _Mystery Science Theatre 3000_ reruns and started commenting on all the movies we saw together the same way Joel, Crow, and Tom Servo did. It drove Alice and Jasper, who were now an item, crazy though and they refused doing movie nights with us anymore. Their loss.

We also enjoyed the same books and could spend hours discussing the plot intricacies of George Martin's _A Game of Thrones_. I was a Kahl Drogo fan, myself. Edward liked Jorah Mormont—but I secretly believed he had a thing for the Kahleesi, that teeny ass-less runt.

I also must admit, it was hard for Edward to keep his hands to himself sometimes. It seemed he was always grabbing my butt, especially when we were making out on my old sofa. I didn't mind it while we were alone, but in public, not so much. He may love my ass, but I sure didn't want him drawing others' attention to it.

That brought me back to something else that had been bothering me. Edward and I had done a lot of kissing, and hugging, and grabbing, and caressing, and stroking, but we hadn't done the deed, yet. I was beginning to wonder if there was something wrong and was trying to figure a way to ask him about it.

But that's where I was stuck. I couldn't just bust out my Marvin Gaye impression and start singing, "_Let's get it on_." What if he didn't want to? That would be so embarrassing and besides, I really couldn't sing that well.

Alice and I spoke about it during a girls' night, once.

"You and Edward haven't done it, yet?" Alice was incredulous.

"No. Have you and Jasper?"

"Heck, yeah. We did it within a week of meeting each other."

"Alice!" I was shocked. That had been quick. Usually, Alice made them wait.

"Well, Bella, _when ya know, ya know_." She shrugged her shoulders but her cheeks did turn pink. To be honest, I was a little jealous. I wanted some of that! Her admission, however, did eliminate the chance that abstinence was a familial quirk.

So, what was it with Edward and sex? I was beginning to be fearful that Edward didn't have a problem with sex, it was just that he was having a problem with _me._

I had to know, but how do I ask him? Liquid courage was the only answer I could come up with. A shot of Bailey's would come in handy right about now, in fact. He was coming over for dinner tonight, so maybe I could pre-game a little to calm my nerves in order to talk to him about our lack of non-coital activity. I would be cool, calm and nonchalant. Well, that was the plan, anyway.

I'd broken out the bottle of Merlot and my skinny jeans in hopes this discussion would go well. I'd drink the tequila later if it didn't.

But when Edward got to my door, his expression completely wiped my planned discussion right from my thoughts.

"Edward, what's wrong?"

"Oh, Bella, it's going to be terrible." His face crumpled in agony and I grabbed his arm and pulled him over to the sofa.

"What's going to be terrible?"

"The St. Patrick's Day party." He slumped down on the sofa, put his head in his hands and moaned.

"The party? Whatever for?" I put my arm around his shoulders and pulled him close. I knew the party was lame but _terrible _was stretching it a little.

"Oh, Bella. I can't believe it. Number One called me up today and told me that The Captain wants me to be in charge of that disaster."

_The Captain_ is what we, the minions at _GoNet_, called our boss. He was brilliant. He was innovative. He was a geek and Bill Gates didn't have anything on him. In just fifteen short years, he'd brought _GoNet_ from a dirty start up to a company that rivaled _Micro Soft_—well, at least on a good day.

_The Captain_, Harley Picard, was of French-Canadian descent and a huge Star Trek fan. If you walked into his office, you'd believe you were walking onto the bridge of the _Next Generation's Enterprise_, complete with an audio feed of its sounds. He was fond of wearing his bridge officer's costume during work hours and I bet you could guess who Number One was. I, myself, had even heard him tell this poor woman to "_Make it so!"_

Could he be any dorkier?

I figured Tanya, the erstwhile Number One, was paid big bucks for the indignity of this sort of thing but, as she said, being called Number One was light-years better than being called Number Two.

"Why you?" I asked, wondering exactly what being in charge of the party would mean.

"Emmett was called out of town unexpectedly over some sales contract snafu, so the Captain decided I'd be a good substitute since he's my brother."

"So, why is this such a disaster? I'm sure Emmett has it all planned out."

"That's just it, he does. He was planning a musical number, with himself as the staring attraction."

"Oh." I was beginning to feel second-hand humiliation for my boyfriend. "Will there be costumes?"

"Yes—a green suit and pointy-toed shoes with big buckles."

"Just like the rest…?"

"Yep, except I'm to be the King of them. They're going to be my chorus line. To top it off, they're going to call me _King 'Chaun_ and my pot of gold is twice the size of theirs."

I pressed my lips together trying not to laugh. "What will you have to sing?"

He flopped backwards on the couch, his eyes staring disconsolately at the ceiling. "Danny Boy," except instead of its lyrics, I have to sing _Oh, GoNetters, the web, the web is calling_… I feel like such a tool!" he wailed.

I couldn't help it. I laughed.

He sat up. "See, even you are snickering at me!"

"Oh, no." I rushed to reassure him. "I just could imagine Emmett doing such a thing and enjoying it. You may feel like a tool, sweetheart, but I'm sure you're going to be the hottest tool there ever was."

He looked at me and shuddered. "You sure?"

"I'm sure. I'm going to have to beat the other women off with a shillelagh." Sorry, Edward, I couldn't resist.

"Ohhhhhh." He groaned again and crumpled back onto the sofa. I guess my effort to be thematic backfired.

More direct methods needed to be attempted, so I straddled his lap and put my arms around his neck. "I know how to take your mind off of this, Edward."

"How?"

"Whatever it takes to distract you." I kissed his nose.

"Whatever?" I saw his eyes light up.

"Whatever." I confirmed as I cocked my head and fluttered my lashes.

He grabbed my ass with both hands and said, "I can think of many things that would distract me."

"So can I." I wriggled my hips and discovered it was apparent he was already getting pretty distracted at the moment.

He pulled my hips closer to his, nuzzled my neck right below my ear, and growled, "I love these jeans."

"I wore them especially for you." I ran my nose along his jaw and kissed his chin.

I had gooseflesh running up and down my arms and I shivered. The glass of wine I'd had before Edward arrived combined with his closeness made me lose whatever inhibitions I'd previously had. My heart pounded as I whispered, "I know what I want."

"I'd give you anything, Bella." He pulled back a moment to look into my eyes.

Suddenly, my brain froze as I got lost in the depths of his gaze. I couldn't think, I could only feel, and so I said the first thing that came to me; the only thing. "I want you to make love to me."

Then, my brain caught up to my mouth.

Oh, crap! Did I really say that out loud?

**Author's Notes:**

**The Prompt for this one was "Talk to Me". I guess my angle was that Bella needed to talk to Edward. So she did.**

**I had a guest write to explain to me that "Rule me Out" actually meant "Don't expect me to participate in whatever" instead of the list of Rule things that I did the last chapter. Of course, now I can see that, but if it weren't acceptable to the validators at the time, they would have made me rewrite it, so I guess they were okay with what I came up with in 2013. But, I'm sort of embarrassed I didn't get that right originally.**

**So. This completes the story up to the part where I left off. Now, I'm about to leave on vacation for a long week and I'll get back to writing this, probably a chapter a week, when I get back. I hope I can find the humorous chord I was vibe-ing on when I originally wrote this thing back in the day. Keep your fingers crossed and thank you for the encouragement.**


	13. Distractions

**Does My Ass Look Too Big in these Jeans?**

**Chapter 13 Distractions**

**Edward's Point of View**

"Wha—What did you say?" I was shocked. My sweet Bella wanted me to what…?

She got that deer-in-the-headlights look when she realized she had said more than she had intended, and tried to back off.

"I…er…I want you to make…laugh. Me laugh. Heh, heh. Whoops."

I grinned and pulled her closer, although we had been pretty close before. I whispered, "That's not what you said."

It was candlelit in Bella's apartment, but even in the dim light, I could tell she had a major blush going on.

"Never mind. I had a glass of wine before you got here and sometimes liquor makes my mouth run independently of my brain. Please, forget it."

Shaking my head, I said, "I don't think I will ever forget the girl of my dreams telling me she wants me to make love to her."

She buried her head into my shoulder and groaned.

"What if I told you I wanted the same thing?" I'd only been imagining it for two years...

She pulled back and looked questioningly into my eyes. "You do? I wasn't sure."

"You weren't sure?!" I must not have been doing my job. I worshiped at the shrine of her booty—er—body every chance I got. How could she not know?

"Well, you've never indicated that you wanted to do more than kiss and cuddle. I thought there was something wrong with me."

I choked with astonishment. "Wrong with you? How could you think that for a second? You are perfect to me."

"But we've never done more. It seemed to me you were content with just a smooch session, or two, and groping my derriere."

As a matter of fact, my hands were rather full at the moment. "You never told me you wanted more."

Hey. Her blush had a blush. I didn't know a human body could do that. She amazed me more and more each day.

"Well, I…er…didn't know how to ask, other than to come right out and say it…which I just did…but I didn't mean to. Oh, this is so embarrassing." She let go of me and started to move from my lap, avoiding any eye contact.

"Hey, Bella, wait. Listen." When I got her to look back at me, I said, "Bella, you should never hesitate to tell me what you want. There should be no embarrassment between us about anything. I do want to make love with you. I always have."

"Then, why haven't you?"

I chuckled. "I wasn't sure if it was what you wanted. I thought perhaps you wanted to wait."

"Wait for what?"

"You know." Now, it was my turn to get embarrassed.

"I guess I don't." She did look perplexed.

"A commitment, maybe?"

"A commitment?" She didn't appear to understand where I was going with this.

"Well, some people want to wait until there's a commitment of some sort."

"Of some sort? There are a whole range of commitments out there, from 'let's get pizza tonight' to 'let's co-mingle funds.' What are you talking about?" She was getting a wild look in her eye. I couldn't tell if it was from fear or delight.

"Weeelllll...somewhere between the two…" I dragged that out, trying to read her.

"Smack dab between 'getting pizza' and 'getting a joint bank account' is something like 'let's get a puppy.' Is that what you want?" Her voice was rising in pitch, just a bit. I think I was reading fear, not delight.

"Well…" I didn't know how to answer. To be honest, I knew I wanted the deepest and most life-long commitment with her. I knew that almost from the beginning, too. But I didn't want to chase her away by being too, too…well, too Esme about it. My mother had worn off on me a bit, I guess.

"My lease won't let me have a puppy," she said, a note of desperation in her voice.

This was weird. We had been talking about sex. Now puppies?

"I don't want a puppy, either. I'm allergic. But Bella, what does this have to do with us?"

"You're the one talking about commitment."

"Bella, okay. Yes. I want to make love with you. I love you, why wouldn't I?"

She looked stunned. "You love me?"

Smiling uncertainly, I said, "I do. Can't you tell?"

"Well, I knew you were sort of crazy about my butt, but you love me—the real me, the self-conscious, insecure, cray-cray me? For real?" her voice had continued its climb up the scale.

"For real." I moved my hands from her glorious booty and took her hands in mine. "Bella, you don't see yourself clearly. I know how it feels to be self-conscious and insecure. But I also know crazy. My family is crazy. You aren't even close."

"You haven't met my folks, yet. You need to reserve judgment."

"They have to be pretty amazing, as they produced such an amazing daughter."

"I'm going to have to take you to Forks. So much about me will be explained when you see it—and them—for yourself."

"Then, I will look forward to it. But you're still too hard on yourself. I know it might be too soon, but I do love you and not just because you are gorgeous. I love your mind, your quirky sense of humor, your kindness, and your amazing talent. You've bewitched me, body and soul. We can be in a crowd of people, and the only one I ever see is you. I hope this doesn't freak you out, but I think it is important that you know, especially if we become more intimate. But I guess after I've admitted all of this, you may not want to be."

"Oh, Edward. I do want to be. I do." She melted into my arms as she kissed me. I tried to pour all the love I had for her responding to her kiss. And soon, we moved from the sofa to Bella's decadent bed and I discovered that making love with Bella was better than anything I ever imagined. I don't think I've ever been as happy, or as complete. I certainly could imagine a lifetime of this.

Afterwards, as we lay in each other's arms, it was if a golden afterglow surrounded us, and I realized that my worries over the St. Patrick's Day Party had disappeared. Bella truly did distract me in the best way possible.

And suddenly, I had a brilliant idea.

A few years back, there was a meme that went viral called "The Harlem Shake." It was a dance set to Baauer's song of the same name. It started out with a person dancing, while all the others in the frame were seemingly engrossed in their ordinary activities. Then, when the chorus came up, everyone was suddenly wearing crazy costumes and they did the Harlem Shake, or convulsions, or something weird. The best part about it? We could film it in advance and bypass the live humiliation. I could lip sync the few lyrics, and we could dress in our Leprechaun outfits. The cauldrons and the boxes of Lucky Charm cereal could be used as table decorations. We'd show the clip during the party, and we would be done! So simple, so easy. Seemed to me, Bella's distraction techniques worked a charm.

Heh. I said 'charm'.

Then, as I was lying there feeling pretty good about things, Bella lifted her head from my shoulder and asked, "Are you really allergic to puppies?"

Author's Notes:

The Prompt for this one, remember these were made nine years ago, was The Harlem Shake. It was the meme of the moment about the time this story was started. I'm resurrecting it because it was what I had originally planned to do before my writer's block descended.

I know there are some of you out there who screamed at the fade to black, but I will remind you, this is a T rated fic. I planned that on purpose, mostly because I'm not too keen on writing love making scenes. There's only so many ways my feeble brain can think of to describe it. Besides, the last time I wrote one, someone in all seriousness commented that I did a good job making it funny. That's nice, but I wasn't trying to be funny at all! So, I reread it. And it was sort of funny. But this Edward and Bella are too sweet to intrude on their love-making which, to them, is overpowering and beautiful, not comedic gold. I think Bella is going to reflect on the event during the next chapter, so you'll probably get flashes, maybe.

There was a Pride and Prejudice easter egg in this thing. Can't beat Mr. Darcy for coming up with a romantic phrase.

And, of course, thank you to Vecha, who arose from a sick bed to beta this thing.

Thankyou for reading. I'm on the road-in Asheville, NC, as I write—and we were able to post this before I expected. My five month old grandson is having surgery tomorrow and we are on Grandma and Grandpa duty for most of the next week, so I'm not sure if I'll be able to write, but as these chapters are short, I probably will be able to do something. Please keep Baby Andrew in your prayers. Thank you.


	14. Five Acts

**Does My Ass Look Too Big in these Jeans?**

**Chapter 13 Five Acts**

**Bella's Point of View**

**Act One: In which our Heroine Discovers Something Displeasing.**

Ever since _that_ night, I'd been floating in a fog. Not a creepy, depressing fog, but an amazing, happy fog. The kind that makes you feel loved. I found it hard to concentrate, because my mind was simply filled with Edward; my wonderful, fabulous, magnificent, glorious Edward. He loved me, he said. Then he _loved _me, he did. I couldn't wait to tell Alice.

But was that the right thing to do? Immediately run out and tell my besty all about the most significant thing to have happened to me in my entire life? _Yer dern tootin'_! I don't think Edward would want me to keep it to myself. I mean, he had talked about getting a puppy, after all. (It turned out he isn't allergic to all dogs, just some, which was a relief to me as I had always wanted a puppy when my circumstances would allow. Now, look who's thinking about commitment? This girl!)

I had been trying to reach Alice for the past couple of days, but all my calls went right to voice mail. I don't think she was avoiding me. Perhaps she forgot to pay her cell bill. That was a typical Alice move. I even went over to her apartment, but her roommates said they hadn't seen her. That was also typical, as Alice's roommates kept odd hours. I asked Edward if she was hanging around his family's home with Jasper, and he said she wasn't. In fact, he hadn't seen Jasper either, but that wasn't unusual since he was generally tied up at the hospital. I figured I'd see her sooner rather than later, and could then spill the beans. Oh, those glorious beans!

The St. Patrick's Day party at work was a hit, at least with Edward and his leprechaun minions. They eagerly jumped on board with the video thing. It would save so much embarrassment. It turned out that Jess Stanley's major in art school had been video production, so I was able to talk her into helping Edward. I discovered that I didn't have to talk too hard because Jess had a massive crush on _my_ boyfriend. In her defense, she didn't know Edward was my S.O. I try to stay away from telling Ms. Blabbermouth anything as she was like a PA system—broadcasting whatever tidbit she saw, heard, or imagined and I don't like being front page news under any circumstance. Besides, she didn't tell me about her Edward obsession, either. I figured that out at the St. Patrick's Day party itself.

The video, filmed, edited, and produced by Ms. Stanley, was set in one of our larger conference rooms. The room had workstations along both sides, with a large table along the back wall. Edward, dressed as King 'Chaun, was lying on his side propped by his elbow and facing the camera while the rest of his crew were busily working at their computers. When the Baauer techno music started, Edward lipped synced the first line, "Con los terroistas" and then started bebopping to the beat. When the chorus began, the rest of his leprechaun underlings, now in their getups, started gyrating and dancing their little green shoes off. This went on until the song was over, when Edward lip-synced "Ey, Do the Harlem Shake." Hah, hah. Funny, right?

Well, it was funny except Jess' Edward fixation was obvious. Unfortunately, due to time constraints, the video was being edited right up to the last minute and no one had a chance to pre-view it. Ultimately, Jessica had been left to her own devices. The first shot was a full-screen close up of Edward's perfect lips saying the line, "_Con los terroristas_" and then, while he was grooving to the beat, the camera panned his body, from his head to his big buckled feet—and points in between—then pulled back to see that his minions had changed into leprechauns at the chorus. The rest of the film showed the minions dancing around interspersed with cut shots of various parts of Edward's body. The last shot, where Edward again lip-synched "_Ey, do the Harlem Shake_," had him looking fetchingly over his shoulder at the camera.

The whole company burst out laughing and gave the crew a standing ovation. Edward was mortified, but glad it was over. I saw him give a gushing Jess Stanley a weird look as he backed away from her fawning compliments, though he was gracious about it.

I heard Mike Newton comment, "Got it bad for Cullen, doncha, Stanley?"

She giggled like she was bat-shit crazy.

I decided it was time to set her straight.

**Act Two: In which Bella Straightens Things.**

After the video, the Captain gave his customary hoo-rah "We're a _GoNet_ Family" speech and thanked the social committee for their effort. He especially mentioned King 'Caun, which made Edward writhe with embarrassment. I had been standing near the door—my usual place so I could make a quick exit if I felt the need. However, at that moment, I wasn't interested in leaving so much as I was interested in getting Edward out of the focus of all eyes. I knew he was hating being in the spotlight and was probably thinking of ways to get even with Emmett for unwittingly putting him in this position in the first place.

As the Captain was speaking, Jessica sidled up to Edward, grabbed his arm, and stood there smiling and nodding her head as though she and Edward were a team in more ways than one. I was surprised to find I was doing a slow boil at that. In fact, I was beginning to believe I was going to get all up on her ass over this.

When the Captain finished, people were directed to the pizza, soda, and Lucky Charms—there were actually bowls full of the cereal for people to eat like potato chips, bleh!—I watched as Edward turned to Jess and say a few words as he detached her claws from his sleeve. He was smiling, so I'm sure his words were kind, but then, he immediately scanned the room as though he was looking for someone—Me!

I came out of hiding—did I say I was standing _behind_ the door—and walked to Edward's side and then, right in front of Jess and everyone, I gave him a quick kiss. "That was fabulous, Edward," I said.

He gazed at me in surprised pleasure and said, "It didn't turn out exactly as I expected, but I guess it was okay. I saved this for you." He handed me a box of cereal.

"Er…thanks?" I said, as I took the box.

"They opened the rest of them. I managed to swipe this one before they could get them all."

Knowing that Jessica was avidly listening to every word, I said, "I guess we can eat these for breakfast when the pantry looks a little bare."

Edward, completely oblivious to the subtext here—which is one reason why I loved him—said, "Or, we could eat them as a late-night snack. Nothing better than cereal at midnight."

Nodding, I said, "Yes, we could."

I shot an eye in Jess' direction and noticed that she had picked up on the subtext just fine. She turned on her heel and flounced. I couldn't have been happier.

"Let's grab a slice or two and go down to my cubicle so we can eat in private." I winked at him as I spoke.

Edward got that subtext, no worries.

**Act Three: In Which Bella Forgets**

I had forgotten that I had been in a fog and found it difficult to focus on anything work-related ever since Edward and I became _Edward and me._ By nature, I am an artist and my first impulse is to express my emotions through my pen. As a result, the evidence of my lack of focus was all over the place in my workspace. There were hearts with BS and EC taped to my computer screen. There were several drawings of Edward's eyes, Edward's lips, and Edward's profile tacked to my bulletin board. To cap it off, I had even been practicing my married name in print, and in cursive, using various forms of calligraphy. Like Jess Stanley, I had it bad for Edward Cullen.

So, when we walked into my cubicle, I came to a sudden stop, stared in horror at my forgotten lovesick blatherings, and then rushed to try to hide them from Edward's all too observant eyes.

But he was faster than I was as he picked up my Mrs. Edward Cullen/Isabella Cullen scribblings and asked, "What's this?"

My mind blanked. I just stood there in shock and could feel a burning awkwardness start to take over my soul. I looked at him. He looked back at me as a slow smile bourgeoned upon his face. "Do you want to be Mrs. Edward Cullen?"

I probably looked like I was going to have a stroke, but all I could say was, "I…er…I…oh, God!" I spun around, so he wouldn't see me fall to pieces.

"Bella," his voice had deepened. I remained still and didn't move out of sheer mortification. "Turn around and look at me."

Slowly, I turned to find Edward kneeling at my feet. My heart leaped into my throat. I went from excruciating embarrassment to awestruck amazement in about two seconds. I _was_ going to have a stroke.

He took my hands and asked, "Isabella Swan, will you marry me?"

"For real?" I couldn't believe it.

"For real. Yes. Please, say yes."

"Y-y-yes! Definitely, yes!"

"Hot Dog!"

He jumped to his feet and swept me into his arms, giving me a joyous kiss, his embrace almost cracking my ribs in the process.

When we came up for air, his smile could have lit the Empire State Building. "I don't know what I have done to deserve you, but I am very thankful. You have made me a very happy man."

Softly, hardly trusting this to be true, I said, "You have made me a very happy woman."

"When do you want to get married?"

My mind started to click into gear, and I said, "Oh. I think we'll have to tell our parents, first."

"That goes without saying, but what does it have to do with when we'll get married?"

"You may change your mind once you've met my mother and father."

"Never!"

"Well, let's go to Forks, first. I won't hold it against you if you want to back out."

He just laughed, sat down on my rolling chair, then pulled me down onto his lap, and we went back to kissing.

We never did eat the St. Patrick's Day pizza. It had green sauce, so perhaps that was a good thing.

**Act Four: Emmett and Rosalie Beat them to the Punch**

After work, we decided to go over to tell the good news to Edward's parents. I convinced Edward to let me swing by my apartment so I could change into something that had little more visiting-the-parents panache than the jeans and long-sleeved t-shirt I had worn to work.

We were both starving, so while I got changed, Edward made a couple of PB&J sandwiches for us to eat. He had suggested the Lucky Charm Cereal at first, but I didn't think I'd manage all that sugar as hyped up as I already was. As it happened, I asked Edward to make my sandwich light on the jelly, just in case. I pulled on a soft shirt dress, tights, and boots. I hoped Esme and Carlisle would think I was worthy of their son.

But their son was impressed with the way I looked, or at least his expression said he was. I was content with that. We ate our sandwiches and washed them down with a shared glass of milk and talked about our future.

"Do you think we could live here?" Edward asked as he looked around my apartment.

"It's pretty small. Don't you think you'd want more space?

"Eventually, but at first, I think it would work well enough. I know you like the light for your painting. Besides, it's been the scene of so much for us. It's become my happy place."

I just grinned.

A while later, we were pulling into the Cullen driveway and were surprised to see Emmett's Hummer and Rosalie's Maserati already there.

"I thought Emmett was away on business."

"He must have just returned; or if not, I'll have his ass." Edward was remembering his forced role as Emmett's replacement in the St. Patrick's shindig.

"Do you honestly think Emmett would set you up for something like that?"

Edward looked at me with a crooked smirk. "Of course, he would. He lives for stuff like that."

When we got in the house, Emmett and Rosalie were sitting with Carlisle and Esme in the family room. They were drinking champagne.

"Oh, Edward and Bella, so glad you've come! We're celebrating! Carlisle, pour them a glass and we can all toast the happy couple." Esme looked like she was flying. The smile on her face glowed like a Klieg light and she was just about dancing around the room in excitement.

I was really surprised that the Cullens already knew of our engagement. I looked at Edward and asked, "Did you tell them already?"

He shook his head as Esme asked, "Tell us what?" She paused in her flight and looked at us questioningly.

"Well, Mom and Dad," Edward spoke up, "Bella and I have decided to get married. But how did you know already?"

"WHAT?!" Esme cried. "You and Bella, too? Emmett and Rosalie just told us they were engaged! This is WONDERFUL!" She ran over and hugged me so tightly, I could hear my ribs crack. I could see where Edward got it from.

Whoops! But what a coincidence. I hoped Rosalie didn't think we were treading on her toes, here.

Esme was hyperventilating with happiness and excitement. "I am SO thrilled!" she exclaimed.

Edward went over to shake Emmett's hand and I smiled and said, "Congratulations."

Emmett said, "Hey, we can have a double wedding. That way, Ma will get rid of two of us on the same day."

Okay. From the expression on Rosalie's face, that idea was going over like a lead balloon.

"No, Emmett," Esme said. "Each bride deserves her own day. Besides, you and Rosalie would probably want something very different than what Edward and Bella would prefer. And I'm not _'getting rid'_ of you. Honestly, Emmett, the things you say."

Whew! That was a relief. From the little I knew of Rosalie; she and Emmett were perfect examples of extroverts. They'd probably want a Major Princess Production. That would be the last thing I'd want. But Edward and I hadn't even talked about that. We needed to figure this out on our own and he still had to meet my Mom and Dad. Suddenly, this all seemed overwhelming.

**Act Five: In Which Alice and Jasper Trump Them All.**

Carlisle had opened another bottle of champagne and handed us our glasses. Then he said, "To the two happy couples. All the very best, and a long, happy adventure together!"

With a chorus of "_hear, hear_!" we drank, and I smiled giddily at my future husband. I was the luckiest girl on the face of the planet.

Just at that moment, Alice and Jasper arrived and walked into the room looking like the King and Queen of the world. Alice was wearing a tiara and a white fur jacket, with a white lace gown under, trimmed with sequins and diamante. Jasper looked very handsome in a black tuxedo. Jasper smiled at his family and said, "Please allow me to introduce to you to my wife, Mrs. Alice Cullen."

This time, it was Esme's turn to faint.

**Author's Notes:**

**Andrew sailed through his surgery and has been entertaining Grandmomma and Granddad with his laughter, grins, and smiles. I was still able to get this out, so I'm satisfied. Thanks to all of you who remembered him and kept him in your prayers.**

**The prompt for this week was Acts or Five Acts or something. The notes I had from that long ago weren't precise, so I had to make it up a bit. I've never heard of five acts in a literary piece, have you? Okay, I looked it up. _Five acts_ happens to be a plot development structure from ancient Grecian times. So here's my token Greek quote: "Character is Destiny."**

**Thanks to Vecha for her speedy proofing.**


	15. The Town at the End of the Universe

**Does My Ass Look Too Big in these Jeans?**

**Chapter 15 The Town at the End of the Universe**

**Bella's Point of View**

We were going to Forks, the very last town at the end of the universe. Yes, I've read Douglas Adams. Forks is even further than his restaurant ever dreamed of being. I was dreading this visit with my every molecule, but it had to be done. Edward needed to see the whole me before we married, which included the good, the bad, and the crazy.

When I called my Mom to tell her that Edward and I were engaged, her scream broke my eardrum. Evidently her daily horoscope had predicted my announcement, and so she wasn't surprised, just excited. The horoscope had said something like "change is coming." I've tried to point out how vague these things were to my Mom, but it never made a dent in her confidence in them. She was positive they were 100% accurate. Surely, my forthcoming marriage was what today's prediction indicated.

The clicking sounds you hear are my eyeballs rolling around in my head.

When I called Dad, he didn't say anything beyond, "I'll take Edward fishing." Edward hates to fish. Fishing is my Dad's religion. You can see how this was going to work out. You didn't even need a horoscope for that.

It was going to be a long weekend.

As the crow flies, it is only about 100 miles from Bellingham to Forks, but by road, it is more like 175. Because of the narrow, twisty-turny roads that went around your elbow to get to your thumb, it takes about four hours to drive, and that's on a good day. If you get behind a logging truck or miss the ferry, you can kiss your day good-bye. When I go home, I usually leave right after work. That way, I avoid the trucks wending their way along the backroads of the great backwoods, but that also means I have to drive along those dang twisty-turny roads in the pitch-black. Evidently, the great state of Washington feels that streetlights are an unnecessary luxury.

And because my dad was my dad, sleeping arrangements were "Bella gets to sleep over at Mom's and Edward gets to bunk in with Dad." This weekend was just getting better. I wish there was some way to get out of making the trip, but no. There wasn't. The only glimmer of hope that I had was that we only had to make this trip once. That would be all it took for Edward to get a real good look at the Swan brand of crazy and see if he wanted to be a part of it for the rest of his life. I wouldn't be surprised if Mom's Magic Eight Ball was predicting "_Outlook not so good_."

For some reason, Edward was excited to make the trip, even with all the stipulations Charlie, the cop-dad, was insisting upon.

"I'd feel the same way about our daughter, Bella. I wouldn't want any strange guy shacking up with her right under my nose."

"We aren't shacking up."

"We would be if we shared a room before we married, at least according to your dad. It's just for two nights. We can do it."

"I appreciate your optimism, but you do realize my father is going to put you through the ringer while you're there. I'm not sure it's worth it."

"Bella, you are worth everything to me. I'll be fine."

"You're okay with the fishing?"

"Yep. I even brought my own hip-waders."

"Really? Where'd you get those?"

"Emmett had a pair. He was happy to loan them to me."

"I didn't know he fished."

"Oh, Emmett does just about every outdoorsy thing. He wouldn't loan me his fly rod, though. He said I'd just bust it."

"Dad has plenty of fishing rods. Don't worry about that."

"Are you going fishing with us?"

Actually, this wasn't a bad idea. I'd gone fishing with my Dad since I was a toddler, and I really enjoyed spending the time with him. I hadn't gone out with him in years, though. But unfortunately, Mom had something planned for me that I just had to do with her on Saturday morning. I wasn't sure what it was, but that wasn't my main worry. My main worry was Dad. Alone. With Edward.

I wasn't much of a praying gal, but I was thinking about starting.

We left at five on the dot one typical, beautiful Washington Friday afternoon. That is to say, it was rainy and foggy. We had already packed for the trip and Edward got a ride into work with Emmett so that he could leave with me. I was driving. My truck and I knew the way very well. We had to get to the ferry from Edmonds to Kingston before seven, or we wouldn't make it to Forks at a decent hour at all. I hoped we didn't run into any traffic, and I hoped there wasn't a long wait for a spot on the ferry, or it would mess up our plans entirely.

We flew through Burger King to get dinner. I got an extra-large black coffee, a necessity for this trip. I discovered that Edward had packed snacks to augment our meal.

While Edward was digging around in his goody-bag, I asked, "What ya got there?"

"Road Food!" He pulled out a bag of red vines licorice.

"Yummy!" I said as I took one.

"There's a whole science behind road food."

"Really? How so?"

"The food has to be completely devoid of any nutritional value, for one. And it can't be greasy or crumbly."

"Why?"

"Nothing worse than a greasy steering wheel and crumbs are hard to get out when you vacuum. They always fall down the crack between the seat and the console."

Nodding in agreement, I said, "That would rule out potato chips, hunh?"

"Most certainly!"

"So, what do we do for the excess sodium requirement?"

"Slim Jims!"

I just had to laugh. He was so endearing. "How about if I have a yen for chocolate?"

"Chocolate candy bars are melty, so they're out. But…" and he pulled out a familiar yellow bag, "Peanut M&Ms melt in your mouth, not in your hand!"

"Oh, man! You're spoiling me!"

"It's my pleasure." And he smiled at me so sweetly, I almost pulled the truck over so I could give him a kiss, or two—or three hundred.

It began to clear up as we got to Edmonds and, as luck would have it, we were close to the front of the line for the ferry. We'd make the 7:00 pm sailing, no problem. Now, all I had left to worry about was…everything else.

I was impressed that Edward didn't get carsick on the way from Kingston to Forks. Never was there a twistier road to follow and with all that junk he had eaten—well, let's just say that Slim Jims and red vines make for nasty puke. We stopped in Port Angeles—the half-way mark on this leg of the journey—for some fresh air and a bathroom break. Edward laughed when I told him that Port Angeles was the big city to us Forkites.

"I can't wait to take you to Chicago."

"You think this backwoods girl would be awestruck?"

"Well, I get awestruck sometimes when I'm there, but I want you to meet my Nana. She's the one who raised my Mother. I bet her crazy beats your crazy hands down. Besides, you aren't a backwoods girl."

"Sure I am. You'll see."

The closer we got to Forks, the taller and thicker the stands of evergreens that bordered the highway were. It was a woodsy welcome mat to my hometown. Finally, we pulled into the Forks city limit.

"Don't close your eyes, you'll miss it!" I said.

I must say, that Forks' roads were a step up from the state roads, as we had streetlights. I looked around as I slowly drove through the town. Nothing had changed.

"See that coffee shop? It's called Spoons." I looked at Edward to see if he got the pun. He did. He snorted.

When I slowed down at the one traffic light we had, I saw a familiar Ford pickup stopped to turn left. I pulled up next to it and rolled down my window. "Hey, Angela! How you doing, girl?"

Angie was my best friend all throughout school—elementary through high. Unlike me, she never had the urge to leave our hometown. In fact, she got married to her long-time honey, Eric Yorkie a couple of weeks after we graduated. They took over Eric's family's business and have a couple of little Yorkies—children, not dogs—to boot.

"Bella! Hey, Lady! I heard you were coming home this weekend. I guess that's Edward. Hi, Edward! Glad to meet you."

Did I say there were no secrets in Forks? Well, there weren't. She probably knew our sleeping arrangements, too, and the fact fishing was on the agenda tomorrow.

The light changed and I promised to call Angela the next day. Soon, we were pulling in front of Dad's house. The lights were on. That was a good sign. I was half expecting to have to meet up with him at the Police Station. Dad feels that sets the proper tone with any boyfriend I had. Nevertheless, I still bet Dad will have his uniform on and he will either be wearing his handgun or cleaning it. Dad was all about non-verbal communication.

Edward grabbed his two bags. One was a duffel and the other was a waterproofed tote of some sort. I looked at it questioningly.

"Emmett's waders," Edward said.

Nodding, I led the way up the steps to the front door, opened it and called, "Dad? We're here!"

"We're in the kitchen," my Dad's gruff voice responded.

"_We're_?" I thought. Who else would be here?

Leaving Edward's bags in the entry, I led him to the back of the house.

There sat my dad, Charlie, and my mom, Renee. I guess they had decided to double team us.

Mom jumped up and put me in a choke hold. "Bella baby, it's so good to see you! I couldn't wait, so I barged in over here. Charlie didn't mind, did ya, Charlie?" She looked over at Dad who had risen – he was in his uniform but had no gun. That was probably because Mom interfered with his staging. He looked like he minded just about everything at the moment.

I disentangled myself from Mom, reached for Edward's hand, and said, "Mom. Dad. I'd like you to meet my fiancé, Edward Cullen."

Of course, they already knew we were engaged, but I think seeing it up close and personal was sort of a shock for them. Like just about everything else in life, their responses were polar opposites from each other.

My mother now put Edward in a choke hold and said, "Welcome to the family, son."

Edward managed to gasp out, "My pleasure, Ms. Higginbotham."

"Oh pish. Call me Renee. Ms. Higginbotham sounds so stodgy."

Charlie just stood there, looking grim and when Edward could detach himself from Mom, Dad stuck his hand out and said in his deepest voice, "I'm Chief Swan."

I got my firm look on—I inherited that from Charlie, to be honest—and said, "Dad! Be good!"

Dad tried to look innocent and mimed a halo above his little pointy head with his free hand while his other was trying to crush Edward's in a vice, but added, "…you can call me Charlie."

"Th-thank you, Charlie," Edward said as he tried to discreetly rub some feeling back into his hand.

I took that moment to get between Charlie and Edward to give Dad a hug, along with a warning glare. I whispered, "Dad, he's a good guy and he's important to me. Treat him well, please."

Dad looked at me as though he had no idea of what I could mean, and so I turned my hug into a pinch.

"Why don't we all sit down and talk for a bit?" Renee was always oblivious to what was going on around her. "I brought some cookies and pop over. I know Charlie would only have coffee, Kraft dinner, and Rainier on hand."

Charlie looked a little self-conscious and said, "I've got some pop-tarts, too. Blueberry."

I laughed. "They don't count unless they have sprinkles."

Edward interjected, "I like Blueberry Pop Tarts. It's the perfect food."

Charlie's frosty attitude started to thaw a bit. "Yeah?"

"Yep. It has grain and fruit. Half of a square meal, right? Just add some bacon, and you have the rest."

Charlie looked like he was reassessing Edward. That that was a step in the right direction. We sat down at the table and Renee started in.

"So, have you set a date?"

Edward and I exchanged glances, and I groped for something to say but was surprised when Edward replied, "We haven't set a date yet, but soon, I hope. My brother is also getting married and their plans are further along than ours, so we may have to work around that."

Renee said, "Oh, that's so exciting! When are they getting married?"

"Not until next year. It's going to be huge."

"So, you won't get married until after they do?" Renee sounded disappointed. My Dad looked relieved.

"Oh, no. I don't want to wait that long. We just have to make sure what we do doesn't conflict with what they're doing."

I added, "Emmett and Rosalie want a very different kind of wedding than we do, I think."

"What kind do you want?" asked my persistent Mother.

"The opposite of big."

"That would mean eloping. Please don't do it. I've always dreamed of seeing you as a bride."

"There's something between the two. Personally, I'm hoping for something closer to eloping than a huge blowout." I looked at Edward as I said this. He smiled and nodded his head a little.

"I think quiet and small would be perfect. I don't care, really, as long as at the end of the day I'm married to the girl of my dreams. I'm for whatever Bella wants."

Clearly uncomfortable at Edward's mushiness, Charlie cleared his throat. "You could use the VFW or the Fire Hall, if you wanted. They'd probably let me have either one for free. We'd just have to clean up when we're done."

"Oh, Charlie!" Mom exclaimed. "The VFW? The Fire Hall? You've got to be kidding. They're not romantic in the slightest!"

"What's romance got to do with it?" Charlie said.

"Geez. Everything!" Renee replied. They both were giving each other the side-eye.

"It's a moot point, anyway, Mom and Dad. We are most likely going to get married in Bellingham." There was no way I was going to haul Edward's family up here to Hicksville, USA. My comment was effective, though, because now my folks were giving me the side-eye.

"None of our friends would come," said Mom.

I bit my tongue to keep from saying, "_That's exactly the point_!" Instead, I said, "We want a small wedding, just family and close friends. Maybe, at most around twenty people. We won't need a hall."

Charlie grunted. Renee sighed.

Edward said, "These are the best chocolate chip cookies I think I've ever had!" I could have kissed him right there for trying to distract my folks.

Talk became general at that point and soon Charlie was making obvious noises about how it was going to be an early start in the morning, and how we should be hitting the hay. Not long after, Mom and I left Edward to Dad's tender mercies as I followed her over to her house.

I made excuses to Mom about how tired I was and scurried upstairs as quickly as I possibly could. Once inside my bedroom, I texted Edward.

_Are you OK?_

_ OK, I guess._

_ You guess? What's wrong?_

_ I got Emmett's waders out just to see how they fit and so I won't make a fool out of myself in front of your father tomorrow morning._

_ Yeah?_

_ They're neon pink. I'm going to kill Emmett._

**Author's Notes.**

**This chapter's prompt was "Hyperbole". Forks is just one big hyperbole to Bella.**

**I know in canon, Renee lives in Arizona/Florida, but for the sake of my story, she teaches kindergarten at Forks Elementary. **

**And thank you to the several people who helped me with the research on the Real Forks. There really is a coffee shop called "Spoons" there.**

**And I know that in canon, Angela and Eric were not a couple, but I couldn't remember what the Cheney boy's name was when I was writing this, and I didn't have access to my info. I can't find my edition of **_**Twilight**_** anywhere. I think someone took it. That sort of honks me off.**

**Thanks to Vecha for proofing this for me amidst a winter wonderland. Where I am, it is 70 degrees. I had to put a sweater on.**


	16. Correct My Autocorrect

**Does My Ass Look Too Big in these Jeans?**

**Chapter 16 Correct my Autocorrect**

**Edward's Point of View **

I will never forget the look Charlie gave me when he saw me in Emmett's pink waders. It was a mixture of horror, shock, and humor. I wasn't sure which reaction was uppermost. But there was nothing I could do about it now. I should have been wary of any "gift" from Emmett. He was probably laughing his ass off in Bellingham right now—I had thought he was being helpful. I should have known better.

"You're going to scare the fish away, son," Charlie said with a half-smile.

"I'm sorry. My brother loaned me these. He likes to play pranks."

"Well, they'll have to do. My old waders are useless. They have holes worn through and wouldn't keep you dry."

"I'll try to scare the fish in your direction."

"That's a thought. Well, let's saddle up."

We loaded his pick-up truck. It was ancient. I think the only thing holding it together was rust. But I knew what it was.

"Is this Bella's old truck?"

"Yep," he answered as he ground the gears into reverse. He didn't elaborate, but I was beginning to suspect Charlie was a very sentimental guy.

We drove down the main highway until we got to a dirt road that had a gate across it. I got out to open it and Charlie drove through. "Shut, 'er up. This is private property. The owners let me fish here."

We bumped down what was more of a tree-lined track than a proper road until we arrived at a beautiful stream. You know those post cards depicting the Pacific Northwest? I'm sure some of those photographs came from this place. It was a green palace with a pristine creek gurgling around stones and boulders down the middle of it. Away upstream, there was even a waterfall.

I stood in awe of my surroundings and then turned in a slow circle to take it all in. "Man, this place is amazing," I whispered to myself, but Charlie overheard.

"Yep," was all he said.

We got the gear out and, after hearing that I was pretty inexperienced, he gave me a rod and reel rather than a fly rod. "That'll be easier. Bella used to use that one."

He pointed out a place for me to fish and then went downstream a bit. I could see why Charlie did this as often as he could. It felt like I was in church and a reverent feeling descended upon me as I stood in the stream and listened to the water splashing against the rocks, the wind soughing through the tall trees overhead, and now and then fluid birdsong echoing through the forest surrounding us. It honestly felt magical.

Suddenly, there was a tug on my line which surprised the crap out of me. I hadn't expected to catch a thing. I started to reel it in, my rod bending over nearly double as I did. I heard an exclamation of surprise from down river, but I concentrated on my potential catch. It would be my luck to lose the thing. A moment later, Charlie appeared at my side with a net and when the fish got near, he deftly scooped it up. It was a good-sized trout.

"Wow," is all I said.

Charlie didn't say anything except he looked at me like I had just turned into a rabbit or something. He nodded his head, then turned to put the trout in his creel, and went back to his place in the stream. It wasn't too many minutes later that I got another bite. This went on the rest of the morning. After a while, Charlie just waited for me to pull in another fish. He didn't bother to go back and try for himself. I suggested that we trade places, but he shook his head and said, "You don't mess with a run. Keep at it."

After we—or I, rather—filled the creel, Charlie said, "We have enough for dinner tonight. It's time to go."

He looked a little dazed. To tell you the truth, I was too. When we got in the truck he said, "Where'd your brother get those waders?"

After we got back on the highway, I could feel my phone buzz in my pocket. I'd had a couple text messages from Bella that she sent when I didn't have a signal.

_You won't believe what my mother had me do._

_Her crazy friend, Sue, came over and they smothered me._

"What?" I said aloud.

Charlie looked over at me and cocked his eyebrow.

"Bella says Renee and her friend, Sue, smothered her."

Charlie blinked. "Sue is one of Renee's weirdo friends. Probably one of the reasons Bella wants a small wedding."

"What does she mean by smothering her? She survived it, I guess, because she wrote this after the fact, but why?"

Charlie shrugged as I shook my head in complete bafflement and texted back.

_Smothered? _Except my autocorrect changed it to _Smoked? _I sent it before I noticed the mistake.

She texted, "_Yeah. It was very snakey."_

What? There were snakes? This was just getting weirder.

"Would Sue have anything to do with snakes?" I asked Charlie.

He snorted and said, "Who knows what that idiot woman would get up to. She thinks she's a Shaman or something, but she's the only one who believes that besides Renee. I don't think they'd do anything to harm Bella, though."

I texted Bella, "_Are you OK?"_

"_Fine, except for the coffin."_

Coffin! What the hell?

"_Are you sure you're OK?"_

"_I'll be fine, once you get here. When are you coming?"_

I looked up to see we had entered a place called the Quileute Reservation. "Bella wants to know when we'll be over at Renee's," I said to Charlie.

"I'm just stopping by a friend's house to get a bag of fish fry. He makes the best around."

"Is he Quileute?"

"Yeah. Good guy."

We pulled up to a rustic cabin and got out of the truck, but before I could take a step closer, a huge wolf-like dog ran around the side of the house and came to a dead stop facing us with his ears back and muttering a low growl.

"Come on, Jake. You know me. What's all this show for?" Charlie held out his hand and the dog sniffed but continued his aggressive stance. He was looking at me.

"Nice dog," I said, but really didn't mean it at all. He looked like a bad dog. I could feel my allergy start to flare up. I took a step closer. Jake's growl became a dull roar.

"Perhaps you'd better get back in the truck. It seems Jake has a grudge against you."

I couldn't agree more and while I didn't run for the truck, I didn't waste any time getting into it.

"I'll be right back," Charlie said.

The whole time Charlie was in the cabin, Jake prowled around the truck, growling loud enough that I could hear it through the shut door. Geesh, dog, what did I ever do to you?

I texted Bella, "_We went to the reservation to get some fish fry or something. I almost got eaten by a wolf."_

"_You must mean, Jake. He's just a sweet puppy. He won't hurt you."_

Just at that moment, Jake lunged at my window.

"_I don't think he agrees with you. Here comes your Dad. We should be back, soon."_

"_Give Jake a scratch for me."_

"Like hell," I said just as Charlie opened his door. He looked at me questioningly.

I held up my phone and said, "Bella wants me to give Jake a scratch for her."

Charlie laughed and said, "Don't think he'd appreciate that too much."

"Don't think I would either."

Charlie drove back to the highway and soon we were pulling into the drive of a neat little bungalow. Bella must have heard us pull in as she walked out onto the porch, her smile lighting every inch of my heart. I couldn't help but sigh. Charlie rolled his eyes.

"Go on in," he said as he got out of the truck, grabbed the creel and headed to the back yard of the house.

As Bella ran up to me, she called out, "Hi, Dad!" to her departing father and jumped into my arms. She wrapped her legs around my waist, her arms around my neck, and laid a pretty good kiss on my lips. Of course, my go to place to put my hands was probably not the wisest thing to do in front of her dad, but I couldn't resist. This was my bliss. She was my heaven.

I did hear Charlie clear his throat, snort, and grumble, but he continued around the side of the house.

"Oh, I missed you so much," Bella said, looking into my eyes.

"I missed you, too. I always do."

She whispered, "Was it bad with Dad?"

"Not at all. I had a good time today."

"Did you catch anything."

"Yep. I caught a lot!"

Bella looked disbelievingly at me, "Really?"

"Yep. In fact, I caught them all. Seems Emmett's pink waders are irresistible to trout."

Bella looked tickled. "What did Dad do?"

"He netted them as I reeled them in. Eventually, he gave up fishing and just waited for me to catch the next one."

"Wow!"

"Bella, the place we fished was the most beautiful place I think I've ever seen."

"Was it on the Reservation?"

"Maybe. It was down behind a gate, more of a track than a road."

"Yeah. That's the Res. Dad is close to one of their elders. They're more like brothers than most brothers are. In fact, that's probably where Dad got the fish fry mix."

I sat her down and put my arm around her as we walked up the path to her Mom's house. "I need to help him clean the fish."

"No, don't bother. Dad's very particular how it's done. You'd just get in the way."

"Let me change out of this stuff and I'll go and see."

Bella led me up to the room where she was staying but before she went back downstairs, I had to ask, "What was up with your mom's friend, Sue, and the smothering?"

"What?" Bella was looking at me like I was the crazy one.

"Your texts said your mom and her friend were smothering you. I couldn't figure it out."

"Oh, no. Autocorrect fails again. They _smudged_ me."

I was still confused.

"They made me strip down to my undies and they burned sage as they danced around me. They used a turkey wing to fan the smoke in my direction all the while playing some bizarre new age music on the CD player. It was whacky as hell, but Mom takes this stuff so seriously. She and Sue explained that it would clear my aura, drive out evil spirits, or something. They wanted to do it to you, too, but I said absolutely not."

I was trying not to laugh, picturing this whole episode. "Thank you for that. I doubt I'd be able to keep a straight face."

"It was hard for me to, I promise you. Except after a few minutes, I started coughing, my eyes teared up, and that put an end to any inappropriate hilarity on my part. I told you my mother was crazy."

I put my arms around her and said, "Oh, Bella, she's not crazy. She loves you and wants the best for you. I hope she thinks that I am right for you."

"So far, so good. She can't get over how handsome you are." Bella's grin had a touch of the mischievous to it.

I blushed. "You're prejudiced."

"No. I'm honest. You are the most handsome guy I've ever known, both inside and out. I'm the lucky one."

Well, that just had to be celebrated with a kiss and so on, but before we could get carried away, Renee came up the stairs.

"Edward, do you happen to know exactly where and when you were born, down to the minute?" she asked.

**Author's Notes: The prompt for this one was Correct my Autocorrect. I sort of used it, but to do it justice, I think you'd have to do an incredibly long set up, exposition and resolution of it. I just had Edward becoming mildly baffled but with Charlie's reassurance, he didn't get too over the top worried about it. The story is pulling me in another direction, and I must follow.**

**Oh. And I know when most people text, they substitute "U" for "you" and "R" for "are" and other execrable stuff like that. I refuse to butcher the English language to that degree. The closest I will allow is "OK" for "okay."**

**Thank you to Vecha for proofing this for me. She's the quickest beta in the Great White North.**


	17. The Puget Sound Inn

**Does My Ass Look Too Big in these Jeans?**

**Chapter 18: The Puget Sound Inn**

**Bella's Point of View**

We got back to Bellingham early Monday evening after our trip to Forks, or what Edward referred to as our Pre-Nuptial Beta Test. He had said there were no bugs to work out on my end, but he had some unfinished business with Emmett. I did point out, that though Emmett may have meant to pull Edward's chain, it worked out pretty well in the end. Edward had become the trout whisperer in my Dad's eyes, thanks to those neon-pink waders.

My father was coming to terms with Edward, I could tell. When we were ready to leave, Dad shook Edward's hand and said, "Good meeting you." He gave me a hug and said, "He's okay." That's high praise coming from Dad.

My mom was over-the-moon pleased. After her crazy request, Edward texted his mom to get the precise moment of his birth and she was kind enough to respond without asking any questions. Mom and Sue got busy casting chicken bones, or looking at star charts, or smoking wacky weed, or whatever they thought they needed to do in order to see if, in their words, Edward and I were "made for each other." It turns out, we were. They didn't go into detail, for which I was glad, but they did infer that Edward and I would be "dynamite in the sack." I stopped them right there. I didn't want to hear anymore. It was bad enough that they were giggling like schoolgirls over the results. I just shrugged in resignation. I always knew that my mom and her friend were completely bonkers. Besides, they didn't tell me anything I didn't already know.

Though we left Forks on Sunday, Edward had asked me to request Monday off. He had a surprise for me. We spent the first part of the drive back talking about our plans, now that Edward had met my crazy parents and wasn't scared off.

"How soon do you think we can get married?" he asked.

"I guess the first thing to do is to find a place to have it and see when they're available."

We talked about who we wanted to be there. Of course, we included Edward's immediate family and my mom and dad, but that only added up to around ten people including ourselves. I tentatively suggested Angela and Eric Yorkie, since I was so close to them. Edward wanted to invite his Nana, but he wasn't sure she'd make the trip from Chicago. She had a thing about flying. And then there was Grandpa Cullen. Grandpa Cullen was a retired minister, and to quote Edward, "Zealous." Edward hoped that he would preside at our marriage ceremony, if that was okay with me—which of course it was. The only problem he could envision was that Grandpa Cullen and Nana Platt hated each other.

"Well, 'hate" is a strong word," Edward was saying. "It's more like they completely disagree about everything. Grandpa is a staunch conservative. Nana is as liberal as they come. Grandpa is devoutly religious. Nana claims to be an agnostic. Grandpa loves the cold weather. Nana thinks 70 degrees is too chilly."

"But doesn't she live in Chicago?"

"She does, but she rarely goes out during the winter. Her apartment is like a sauna."

"Why doesn't she move somewhere more tropical?"

"That's a good question, one that she refuses to answer. The funniest thing is, Grandpa Cullen lives in Arizona, where 120 degrees isn't unheard of. Neither one of them makes any sense! I told you my crazy beats your crazy any day of the week."

I laughed. "Maybe that's why we're so perfect for each other."

We were entering Kingston and I was looking for the signs for the ferry, when Edward said, "Turn left here." He was indicating a road that headed north along the Puget Sound.

"Really? Why?" I asked.

"I've made reservations for us at a Bed and Breakfast that is supposed to be amazing. As a surprise for you, we're staying the night."

My heart skipped a beat and I smiled. "Oh, wow, Edward! That's so sweet of you."

He grinned bashfully and said, "I think we were both a little stressed over the past few days, even though everything went well. I believe it will be nice to have one night for just the two of us. Oh, there it is up on the right."

Edward was pointing at a sign that was emblazoned "The Puget Sound Inn." Beyond that was a building that was a beautiful example of Pacific northwest architecture, all cedar wood and large glass windows. To its north and south sides there were a series of log cabins nestled in stands of beautiful firs. I parked my truck outside of the front office and we went inside to find a beaming elf of a man standing behind a counter in the small lobby.

"Welcome! Welcome! And how can I help you today?" he asked.

Edward said, "We're checking in. I know we are early, but I was hoping there would be a chance that our room was ready now? The name is Cullen."

Checking his list, he said, "Oh, yes. We're all set for you. You're in cabin number six. It's just around to the right as you go out. There's parking in front. We pride ourselves on being a green establishment. You will find appropriately marked recycling bins, et cetra, and, honestly, everything is within walking distance, so you will not have to use your vehicle while you are here. The town proper is just down the sidewalk back the way you came. There are some great shops and restaurants there. If there is anything else I can help you with, just give me a toodle. Ask for Riley."

While Edward was talking to the hotelier, my gaze was caught by the room that lay beyond the lobby. It was breath taking. Floor-to-ceiling windows framed the view of the Puget Sound that went on for miles in either direction. A large stone fireplace bisected the panorama, but it didn't detract from the magnificence as it was a thing of beauty, itself. There were about a half of a dozen round dining tables scattered around the room, already laid for the next meal. I turned to Edward, not able to say a word, I had been so taken with what I saw.

Apparently, he was affected the same as I was.

"Ah, I see you've discovered our dining room. This is where breakfast will be served tomorrow morning from eight to eleven."

"It's gorgeous," I said.

"That it is!" he said. "Each of our cabins share the same view, so you'll be able to enjoy it during all of your stay."

Well, I was eager to check this out for myself, and so turning to Edward, I said, "Shall we?" repeating exactly what he had said to me all those months ago at the Artic Picnic when we began our relationship.

Soon, we were pulling up to our cabin. Suddenly, I realized that this was the first time that Edward and I would be alone together in several days, but even more than that, tonight would be the first night we would spend together. Edward had never stayed over at my apartment because his mother would worry, and he didn't feel comfortable discussing our sex life with her. I understood that completely. She wasn't exactly old-fashioned, but I knew my fiance was.

Carrying our bags, Edward unlocked the door to our cabin and ushered me inside.

"Wow!" I said as I turned in a circle. "This is fabulous!"

The cabin was every bit as magnificent as the dining room had been. Again, those amazing floor-to-ceiling windows revealed the stunning water view. There was a deck across the back with two comfy-looking chairs just waiting for us to enjoy. A king-sized bed along one wall was directly across from a natural gas fireplace that was on the other. The bathroom was next to the front door and, opposite that, was a little kitchenette, just perfect for coffee making and a snack or two.

Edward had set our bags down, but he wasn't looking at the room, he was looking at me. "Do you like it?"

"Like it? I love it!" and I bounded into his arms.

Needless-to-say, we didn't make the stroll down to the town. In fact, we had pizza delivered for dinner. We spent a blissful night together, just us, all alone—exactly where we wanted to be. I woke up in the morning more in love with him than ever. I couldn't wait to make this our forever.

After sharing a cup of coffee in front of the fireplace, we decided to go to breakfast in the main lodge. Cold pizza wasn't going to cut it this morning. Through our activities during the night, we had worked up quite an appetite.

We walked into the lodge hand-in-hand to find our hotelier friend, Riley, in the dining room clearing a table. There was one other couple across the way, but it looked as though they were just about finished. We picked a table next to the windows.

"How was your evening?" Riley asked, his face splitting into a grin at the sight of us.

"It was great, thanks," Edward replied, shooting a sweet look at me.

"We have the chef's special French toast today. I recommend it."

"Bring it on," said Edward with glee.

When Riley went back to the kitchen, I leaned over to Edward and said, "What would you think about getting married here?"

"Here?" Edward looked around in delight. "Yes. That would be awesome!"

"You know, I made a huge bonus for that mural I did for your mom. I'd bet we could rent this whole place for a weekend, maybe."

"Bella, I wouldn't want you to use all your money for this. I've been living pretty cheaply for the past four years. Mom and Dad didn't ask for much for me to live at their house, so I've been able to save a pretty nice nest-egg. We could pull this off, I think."

"Let's ask Riley about it."

A few minutes later, Riley was putting two delicious plates of French toast, eggs and bacon in front of us. Edward asked, "Do you ever have weddings here?"

Riley looked very excited as he exclaimed, "Yes, we do! Are you two looking to get married?"

"Actually, we are, and we've fallen in love with this place."

"Well, let me get the book and I'll show you what we can do."

I was almost too excited to eat, but the first bite of my breakfast gave me goosebumps. "Wow! This is delicious!"

"I'll say!" was all Edward _could_ say because he was too busy stuffing his gob. Man, was it good!

A few minutes later, Riley appeared with a folder. "I'll let you look these over. It shows you what we've done in the past and there's a price list in the back. I'll come back later to see what you think."

We started looking through the folder that had examples of various dos they had done at the inn. It looked right up our alley. It was small, personable, and exquisite. I swallowed at the prices listed, but to be honest, they were fair for what you got.

"What do you think?" I asked.

"It looks about perfect to me. We can do this, but I bet this place is in demand. I hope we won't have to wait too long for a weekend to be available."

We finished our breakfasts and Riley came back to clear our table. "So, will we do?" he asked.

"It looks just about perfect to us, but I'd bet you're booked up," Edward said.

"We usually are booked a year or two in advance, but we recently had a cancellation."

"Really? For what date?" I asked.

"It may not give you enough time to pull a wedding together because it's only a few weeks away."

I was getting more excited by the moment, "We aren't fancy. I think we could do it. What do you think, Edward?"

"I'm all for it! What's the date exactly?"

"The weekend of April 22nd, which happens to be Earth Day. You can celebrate your new life together at the same time you're celebrating Mother Earth," Riley answered.

**Author's Notes:**

**I really cheated with this one. The prompt was Earth Day. You see what I did there?**

**Also, I made up The Puget Sound Inn. I did look around for something real that would work, but I kept on getting advertisements for Travelodges rather than what I had envisioned.**

**Thanks to Vecha for looking this over for me.**


	18. The Mishaps of Wedding Planning

**Does My Ass Look Too Big in these Jeans?**

**Chapter 18: The Pain of Wedding Planning**

We had five weeks to plan our wedding. When we decided to have our ceremony and party at The Puget Sound Inn, I honestly didn't realize how big of an endeavor this was going to be. I now understand why Alice and Jasper eloped.

When we sat down with Riley, the innkeeper, and his chef, Brianna, it seemed so simple. We would rent the whole property for the weekend. We would only invite our closest family and friends, who could be easily accommodated in the cabins. Riley told us there was even a honeymoon cottage on site, but it was hidden from the rest of the property.

"We'd better keep that secret," Edward said. "Emmett would love to create his own personal brand of havoc if he knew where we will be spending our wedding night."

After the pink waders stunt, I shuddered to think of what Emmett would come up with to commemorate our wedding. Maybe Rosalie would be an ally in preventing any Emmett mayhem. After all, they were getting married after us and that would give Edward months to plan any needed reprisal.

Brianna showed us a variety of menus we could choose from for the dinner after the ceremony. She even had a baker on staff who could handle the cake. Easy peasy.

After making our choices and placing our down payment—gulp—, we climbed back into the truck and made tracks for Bellingham. Along the way, we called our family and told them what we had decided to do.

Esme's reaction was a panicky, "What? Five weeks from now?!"

Carlisle's was, "I'll make sure I'm not on call."

Alice's was, "Eloping is a hell of a lot easier."

Dad's was a despondent, "Oh. Good."

Crazy-assed woman's was, "_That's_ what my horoscope was predicting! Can I invite my Zumba class?"

Jasper's was, "You need to borrow my tux?"

Emmett's was, "Does this place have a gym?"

Grandpa Cullen's was, "You aren't getting married in a church?"

Nana Platt's was, "I'll book my Greyhound ticket."

I had such a headache when we finally reached Bellingham. Everyone was happy for us, but they all had "helpful suggestions." I tried to drop Edward off at his home but was convinced to come inside for dinner and, what Esme called, a crash meeting. It was just us and Esme, as Carlisle was at the hospital, Emmett was out with Rosalie, and Jasper and Alice had moved into their own apartment nearby.

"I am so excited for the both of you," Esme said, "But we don't have much time to arrange things."

"Don't worry, Mom. Bella and I are doing the arranging. All we want is for you and Dad to come and enjoy yourselves."

"Really? You don't need help?"

"Honestly, Mrs. Cullen, we've already made most of the arrangements. We want it to be simple, quiet, joyful… We don't want a lot of bother."

Esme smiled and then said, what I thought was the kindest thing she could have said, "Then, I won't bother you. Just know that I will help you however you'd like. And call me Mama Esme, please."

I smiled at her, feeling so relieved my headache started to dissipate immediately.

"I'll tell you one thing you can do, Mom. Nana says she's coming by Greyhound. Is there any other way we can get her here?"

"Oh, she's ridden Greyhound before. She won't consider flying."

"Don't you worry? That trip must take a week," I said.

"No, just two days straight. I'm not worried. She knows her way around a bus station. It's no use trying to convince her otherwise, I've tried. She's stubborn."

We spent the rest of the evening talking about weddings in general. Esme even got out her wedding album. She and Carlisle had had a small wedding, themselves. They looked very much then as they still did, though. Just showed you what good genes could do. The last page of the album was a full length, formal picture of Esme in her gown. I stopped and stared. It was perfect. Not too Princessy. Not too plain. Just right.

"That's the prettiest wedding gown I've ever seen," I said.

"Do you think so? I designed it myself. I had always hoped that we'd have a daughter, so I could pass it down. In fact,…" Esme looked at me like she was half afraid of going on. I'm so glad she did.

"…in fact, it's upstairs in my cedar chest. Would you like to try it on, just to see how it fits?"

"You would let me wear your gown?"

"I would be honored if you wanted to, Bella. It's an option, but I certainly would understand if you chose not to."

It definitely was a pretty dress, and if it worked out, it would be something major I could check off my ever-increasing list of things I had to do before the big day. I followed Esme into her bedroom—incidentally, it was huge, with the biggest bed I ever saw in the middle of it. She led me to a walk-in closet that was bigger than my apartment's bedroom, and over to a chest that was against the wall. A few moments later, she had extracted an armful of blue tissue paper.

"I haven't gotten this out in years," she said. She took it over to the bed and unwrapped it. The dress was made of beautiful ivory silk. I could see at least a couple dozen of cloth covered buttons up the back.

Esme tutted. "It's got a hundred creases in it, but you can try it on. I think it will fit you pretty well."

I didn't know about that. I had the badonkadonk to consider. I slipped out of my t-shirt and jeans while Esme undid all those buttons. Soon, she was slipping it over my head and settling it around my body.

"I had to wear a special undergarment with this. It had some padding in the hip area, but I don't think you'd need that." She was buttoning the buttons now and I was surprised at how easily they did up. It seemed a little big for me up top, but looking at Esme, that didn't surprise me. She had major-league girls.

"Come over here and look." Esme had a gleam in her eye as she led me to a long mirror that was on the far side of the room.

"Wow!" I was always so articulate, but I had to admit, except for the bosom, the dress fit me well. I turned around to see what my "jella" looked like and laughed. Edward was going to like this. Now that I had it on, I could see that the dress had a figure-hugging silhouette. The buttons started at the nape of my neck and went all the way down to the top of Edward's favorite body part. The dress skimmed my hips and thighs, gradually narrowing until it reached my knees, where it delicately flared out to the floor. In the front, there was a lace-trimmed, low-cut cowl neck. Three-quarter length sleeves fit smoothly over my arms. The whole look was classically elegant.

I turned to Esme, who had tears in her eyes. "I think you look very beautiful, Bella."

I smiled shakily back. "I think I do, too."

"Do you want to wear it?"

"Please?"

She hugged me. "I'm so glad. Here, let's get this off. I will take it to the cleaners to have it dry-cleaned and pressed. I also know a seamstress who is a wonder. She can make any adjustments you may need."

When we got back to where Edward was waiting for us in the kitchen, I said, "Your mom says I can wear her wedding gown."

"Isn't that bad luck, though?"

"Bad luck? What do you mean?"

"I thought the groom wasn't supposed to see the dress until the day of the wedding? I've looked at those wedding pictures all my life."

"No," Esme said, "The groom isn't supposed to see the_ bride_ in the dress until the day of the wedding. Bella looks very different than I did in that gown. It actually suits her far better than it suited me!"

Edward smiled at me and said, "Five weeks. I won't have to wait long to see for myself." The love in his eyes made me giddy. I sighed, as I gazed back at him.

Esme interrupted our sappy moment by saying. "The only thing is, I loaned my veil to my cousin years ago and she never returned it, so we'll have to get another one."

"Maybe I'll just wear flowers in my hair."

"You'd look beautiful with flowers," Edward said, a soft look on his face.

Esme started humming an old hippie song and then began to sing, "…_be sure to wear some flowers in your hair_."

"Mo-o-o-m." Edward sounded like a teenager. I guess that is the natural state of parent and child. You never grow completely up whenever you're under their roof.

"Oh, Edward! It was a song about love."

"No. It was a song about love-_ins_. Big difference."

"Oh, really?" Esme looked archly at her son. "Nana would beg to differ."

I'd never seen Edward blush so deeply. "Well, Nana has a whole different take on most things."

"You're beginning to sound like Grandpa Cullen."

I chuckled as I stood up from the kitchen counter stool. "I need to get going. I'm bushed and I bet I have a lot of work waiting for me on my desk tomorrow morning."

I thanked Esme for everything, and Edward walked me out to my truck. He managed to give me a pretty non-Grandpa Cullen kiss goodnight.

I went back to my apartment, happy and excited.

Just five weeks.

* * *

Edward and I were determined to have exactly what we wanted at our wedding. That meant ignoring just about every piece of advice that was given to us. Why is it that everyone thinks you want their input over your major personal life events, like weddings, babies, and funerals? I know they're trying to be helpful—well most people were—but their constant suggestions just stressed me out!

Mom was the worst. "But Bella, you're my only child. I've always wanted to plan your wedding."

"Mom. Look, I really do appreciate your eagerness to help, but this is something Edward and I want to do ourselves."

"I'll never have the chance to do this again." I couldn't see her bottom lip jutting out, but I knew it was.

"Mom. This is Edward's and my wedding, not yours. Why don't you get married again, and then you can do whatever you want?"

"Oh, pish. I'd have to get a man to do that, and I don't want one."

"Well, there's that," I answered.

"But, Bella…" a whine was edging into her voice. I had to act.

"Oh, geesh, Mom. Someone's at the door. I have to go. Bye! Love you." I ended the call. The phone immediately rang again, but I let it go to voice mail. I did love my mother, but sometimes I didn't like her very much.

Like we had said, we were going for simple. I did our own invitations, which blew everyone's mind, and not in a good way. But I thought my art could express the specialness of this event better than a printer ever could. I did a watercolor of the view from the Inn's windows as a background in muted blues, greens, and grays, then made twenty or so copies on heavy ivory-colored stock. Using my calligraphy pens, I wrote out the invitations to each of our fifteen guests. It was simple. Uncomplicated. It was us. They turned out very well, in my opinion. I didn't care that they weren't engraved on pure, cotton card stock in some chichi merchant's back room. Some people were even sniffy about the fact I put my name-to-be initials, ISC, in the corner of the sketch. I also didn't care about that.

Jess Stanley hinted that she would be happy to do the wedding video. Yeah. Right. That wasn't happening. It turned out that photography was something Mr. Riley enjoyed, and he offered to snap a few pictures of us on the day. That was enough for us.

Alice was going to provide the music. Her major in school was Musical Performance, hence why she worked at a department store, but she really was gifted. I had noticed there was a baby grand in the corner of the dining room of the inn, so Alice was happy to provide suitable background music for the event.

The Cullens offered to do the flowers, and I simply let them. I was beginning to trust Esme enough to know that she would be sensitive to what Edward and I wanted. After all, that's the sort of thing she did for a living for her clients. She suggested a simple garland of various white flowers and evergreens along the mantel and a similar spray in the unlit fireplace. I would carry a small bouquet of white roses and peonies. Edward would have a rose buttonhole. Simple. Elegant. Lovely.

Edward bought a new suit, having turned down Jasper's offer of his tux. It was charcoal gray and he looked amazing in it. Why do men become Esquire models when they simply put on a suit? It wasn't fair. But then, Edward had always looked like a model to me, no matter what he wore.

Mom was still offering unwanted suggestions and she was hurt when she discovered I was going to wear Esme's gown. She was really putting pressure on me. Everyday, she'd have a new crazy idea and would pout when I put the kibosh on it. One night, I was complaining about her to Edward and he brought me up short.

"We aren't being fair to your mom, Bella."

"What?"

"She should be a part of this, too. She's important."

"I know, but honestly, Edward, I don't trust her judgment."

"She's creative like you, isn't she?"

"_Creative_ is one word to describe her," I said with great irony.

"Why can't you ask her to make the table centerpieces?"

He had a point. Esme had been talking about having flowers for the tables, but maybe that was something Mom could do. So, after conferring with Esme, I called Mom and asked her to help us. I told her what we were going for, and she was delighted.

"Flowers? Candles? Wind chimes? Balloons? Little statues of brides and grooms?" Mom's _creativity_ was taking off.

"Simple, Mom. Simple. Flowers are good. Candles are good. No balloons, no statues, and no windchimes. Please?"

"Oh, okay. Well, I have some ideas."

It turned out Mom's ideas were great. She personally hand-made pillar candles for each table. Of her own volition, she traveled to the Puget Sound Inn and picked up shells and stones and other things that she found on the shore of the Sound below it. She then set them in the candles using waxes that were tinted the same colors I used in the invitations. They were beautiful, but more than that, they were meaningful and something to treasure. She was going to center them upon a plate of leaves and flowers that she and crazy Sue said were symbolic. There was sage in there somewhere, I know, but the total effect was beautiful, and it smelled divinely.

Finally, the week of the wedding had arrived. All the decisions had been made, the preparations had been done, and now all we had to do was get married. I could hardly wait. Everything seemed to be going so perfectly—which should have been a huge sign, I guess.

On the Wednesday morning before we were to marry, Esme got an emergency phone call from Nana. It seemed she boarded a bus headed for Binghamton, New York, instead of Bellingham, Washington. She only missed us by about 2,600 miles. Now, there was no way she could get to Bellingham on time via bus.

"Well, Billingham/Binghamton sounded the same," Nana cried into the phone. Grandpa Cullen had arrived at Esme and Carlisle's the day before and was overhearing the crisis.

"Put the woman on a flight. She'll get here in plenty of time," Grandpa said.

"She won't fly, Dad," Carlisle explained.

"She won't, eh? We'll see about that."

I was a sad witness to this mishap, but I must say, I was bemused. When Edward had described his Grandpa, I was thinking wizened, old man. Grandpa was older, that's true, but he looked a lot like Sam Elliot. Those Cullen genes were amazing. I was dazzled, to say the least, so I sort of missed it when Grandpa went up to his room and five minutes later, headed out the door with a small bag, saying, "I'll be back tomorrow."

I looked at Edward and asked, "What's he going to do?"

"I think he's going to get Nana."

**Author's Note: The inspiration for Esme's/Bella's wedding gown was Pippa Middleton's bridesmaid's dress she wore at her sister's wedding to Prince William. Especially, the back view.**

**The prompt for this one was Mishap Funnies. From my three experiences planning weddings, I can tell you, it is nothing but a series of mishaps, and trying to recover from them. Mishaps dealing with people's opinions and feelings are usually the worst.**

**If you don't know who Sam Elliot is, look him up. I won't have to write another word of explanation.**

**Thanks to Vecha for her help with the commas. **


	19. Golden Week

**Does My Ass Look Too Big in these Jeans?**

**Chapter 19 Golden Week**

**Edward's Point of View**

I had no idea what Grandpa Cullen was going to do to get Nana Platt to Kingston on time for our wedding. However, it did dawn on me, if there was some sort of screw-up along the way, we'd really be in trouble because Grandpa was supposed to be the one to conduct the ceremony. I hoped he knew what he was doing.

Out of Bella's hearing, as I did not want to worry her, I quietly asked Dad, "Should we have a back-up minister on hand if Grandpa can't get back in time?"

"I wouldn't worry, Edward. My dad is golden. Things just work out for him. He's resourceful, and he would never let you down. Just go and do what you planned to do all along and leave Nana up to Dad. They'll both be at your wedding, I'm sure of it."

**The Barista at the Binghamton Starbuck's Point of View**

I noticed the handsome older man as he entered the café. I wasn't into older guys, but there was something about this one that took my breath away. I watched as he looked around the seating area and then zeroed in on the lady who was sitting, or moping rather, at the corner table. She had been there all morning, a battered suitcase at her feet, nursing a cup of coffee and half-heartedly nibbling on a bagel. I figured she was waiting for a bus, as we were just across the street from the Greyhound station.

"Molly Platt, you're coming with me," the man said as he walked towards the lady.

The woman looked up, a shocked expression flitting across her face that resolved finally into a glare. "Who says?" she asked.

"I do," the man answered.

I watched as he walked to the woman's side and stared down at her. Wow! He was gorgeous. A frisson of sexual awareness skittered along my backbone. Personally, I'd follow him anywhere. I decided to wipe the counter near the two, so I could blatantly eavesdrop on their conversation.

"Aren't you supposed to be in Washington?" the woman asked in a peevish tone.

"I am. As are you. I'm not going there without you," the man responded.

"Impossible. There's not a bus available that can get there in time for the wedding."

"We aren't going by bus. I have two first class tickets from JFK to Seattle for a flight that leaves in six hours. I've got a car right outside. Let's go."

A look of fear flashed across the lady's face and she said, "I don't fly, Sam."

"Well, you will today, even if I have to liquor you up to do it. You should have seen the boy's face when he heard you couldn't make it."

"Was he very upset?"

"He didn't say anything, but I could tell he was extremely disappointed."

There was a pause in the conversation, then the woman asked, "What's she like?"

"Who? The girl?"

"No, Kemosabe, the dog. Of course, I mean Edward's girl."

The man, rolled back on his heels a bit, stuck his hand in his pocket and smiled.

Ooof, I was in love for sure. That smile was deadly.

"Well, Molly, she reminds me a lot of you."

"Me? How so?" I could tell that the lady was surprised.

"She's pretty as a picture, extremely talented, and she loves that boy."

The woman actually blushed, which surprised me. Old ladies didn't blush usually, did they?

"Well, I do love Edward. He's my little chunky monkey."

"I wouldn't call him that anymore. And Edward's happier than I've ever seen him. Come on, Molly. Don't you want to see it for yourself?"

Tears sprang into the woman's eyes as she said, "I do, but flying terrifies me."

The man squatted down in front of her, took her hand in his, and said, "I'll hold your hand the whole way. You've only got to worry about this one flight. And we can do a little pre-celebratory toasting to Edward and Bella's marriage. There's free drinks in first class."

"Are you sure?"

I could tell the lady was wavering.

"Positive, Molly. It will be an adventure. Come on." He smiled into her eyes.

_Go, Molly! Go! _I silently chanted and was glad when the older lady nodded and got to her feet.

The man stood, picked up the lady's case, and offered her his elbow as he said, "Shall we?"

The pair headed out together into the golden morning light.

I sighed. I love a happy ending.

**Bella's point of view**

I studied the small item I was cradling in the palm of my hand and sighed with happiness. The ring had turned out better than I had hoped. We had gotten engaged and were to be married in such a short time, rings weren't even on the horizon when we started. It was Alice who reminded me.

"Where's your ring?" Alice had asked.

"Oh." I hadn't even thought about rings. "We don't have any, yet, I guess."

"Aren't you going to get one?"

"We haven't talked about it. We've had so many other things to consider."

"But you're going to have rings at the ceremony, right?"

"Yeah, I suppose so."

That conversation got me thinking. The ring I wanted to get Edward had to be special and unique, something that would represent our love, our future. I brought the subject up with Edward later that evening and laughed when I discovered that rings had been on his mind all along. He just hadn't been sure of what I'd want, and he also wanted to surprise me. He hadn't known how to satisfy both desires at the same time.

"Edward, I'd love anything you gave me."

A few days later, he took me dinner at a small harbor side restaurant in Bellingham. We sat at a table for two, right next to the windows overlooking the harbor, as the sun set in golden splendor. Edward reached under the table and took my hand in his, as we watched the beauty of the scene together. I sighed. I couldn't imagine being happier, but I knew that it would be only a matter of time before I would be—on the day we married. Smiling into Edward's eyes, I suddenly felt him place a small box into my hands.

"What's this?" I asked.

"Open it and see."

I did as he asked and gasped. It was an engagement ring.

"Do you like it?" Edward asked, an eager grin spreading across his face.

"It's beautiful."

Edward took the ring out of the box and slid it onto my finger. It fit perfectly.

"I know it's not a diamond, but I like this better," he said. "Is it alright?"

"Honestly, I could never have imagined something so perfect," I said as I looked at the ring. It was a golden star sapphire set in a simple gold band. The star glittered and shifted as I moved my hand about. It inspired me. I knew exactly what to do for Edward's ring.

The week before our wedding, his ring was ready. I and friend from art school, who made jewelry, put our heads together and came up with what I hoped Edward would like. To match my engagement ring, I had selected a gold band and had my friend engrave a shooting star upon it, its tail coiled around the ring. It was unique and special, but it wasn't exactly simple. I hoped Edward would like it. Inside the band was engraved in my handwriting: _I will love you forever._

**Emmett's Point of View**

My baby brother was getting married. What a laugh! I never thought nerd brains would have the stones to go after Bella Swan. He'd had it bad for her for years. I must say, I was proud of the boy when he not only pursued her, but won her in pretty good order. He wasn't going to let her get away, that's for sure.

Edward had been moving his belongings over to Bella's apartment in the weeks leading up to their wedding. Jasper and I were helping him move the bigger things. There wasn't much room in Bella's little place, so there wasn't much to worry about. Since I had my Hummer, it was easy to move his chest of drawers from our parent's home. The thing wasn't that heavy, but the three flights up to the apartment made it a little tricky. I could have predicted that Jasper would give up after the first flight.

"Come on Jazz, don't be such a wimp!" I jeered.

"I'm not being a wimp. I have to protect my surgeon's hands." He waved them around as though they were golden.

I scoffed.

"We can do it between us, Emmett," Edward said. "This stairway is too small for three of us and the chest. Jasper, just make sure there isn't anything to trip over along the way." Edward was usually the mediator between us brothers. He was a good kid.

The chest did just fit in the bedroom under the sloped eaves, with plenty of room left to walk by the bed. I looked around and got an idea.

"So, Edward," I causally asked, "Are you and Bella coming back here for your wedding night?"

"Why do you want to know?" Apparently, Edward was immediately suspicious. Not only was he a nerd, he was smart.

"Oh, just wondering. No reason." I rubbed my hands together, trying to look innocent.

"Look out, Edward, I bet Emmett's planning a 'surprise' for you and Bella," Jasper, the spoilsport, said.

"I don't want any of your surprises, Emmett. I'm serious," Edward warned.

"I know, I know. I've already gotten the lecture from Rosalie. She made me promise to be an angel at your wedding."

Edward turned and looked into my too innocent face and said, "You'd better be an angel before and after the wedding, too, jerk. Remember, I have a year to plan if you aren't."

"Ah, geez. I've heard it from you, from Rose, and from Mom. Dang! This family used to be fun!"

I guess I'd better shelve that idea until a golden opportunity arose.

**Charlie's Point of View**

Welp. Today was the day. My little girl was going to get married. And I had to give her away. It didn't matter that I didn't _want_ to give her away. I knew my duty, and I would do it, even if it killed me.

I had to admit, the Inn they were having this shindig at was pretty sweet. Heck, I could fish from the balcony of my cabin if I wanted to, but I think that would embarrass my girl. I wouldn't want to do that. Anyway, I left my fishing gear back in Forks.

Edward's family was good. I figured as much because Edward, himself, wasn't a bad dude, and that had to come from somewhere. I finally got to meet little Alice's husband, Jasper. She and Bella had been inseparable all through college, close as sisters, and I guess after today they would be sisters for real. Jasper was a chill dude, easy going and relaxed, sort of the opposite of Alice. But they do say that opposites attract, and I guess those two proved it.

The other brother could have been a tackle for the Seahawks, if he wanted to be. He was built solid as Mount Hood and his girl, Rosalie, was fine-looking. She seemed to be a little put out, but then, I could be reading her wrong. Bella had told me that Rosalie and Emmett were getting married, too, so perhaps Emmett's girl felt all this dust up for Edward and Bella was stealing her thunder a bit. Tough luck.

Last night was alright. Esme and Carlisle had a big dinner for all the guests, and I got to meet the lot there. We had just sat down to some hipstery mushroom ravioli and some sort of weed salad—not a decent grilled fish in sight, by the way—, when an old coot and dame strolled into the dining room to everyone's applause. Turned out the old coot was Carlisle's dad and the dame was Esme's mother. Seemed the lady had gotten lost in New York while she was on her way to Washington from Chicago. Yeah, I know, didn't make any sense to me, either. The old coot went to fetch her, and they got here just in time to join in the festivities. Looked to me they had gotten started on the celebration ahead of the rest of us because the dame was three sheets to the wind, and happy as a lark. The police officer in me wasn't going to think about how those two got to Kingston from Seattle in the condition they were in, but I would keep an eye on the driving situation from now on. I was surprised to learn that Sam, the old coot, was a preacher. I thought preachers didn't hold with drinking.

I looked into the mirror to straighten my tie. I had bought a new suit for the day. Probably the only day I'd ever wear it, unless they buried me in it sometime, years from now, let's hope. Renee went with me to Seattle to buy the thing. I got the sneaking suspicion that Bella didn't trust me to pick out an appropriate suit to wear and, after we got to the store, I learned I was right.

I had pulled a black suit off the rack and was checking out the price.

"Oh, Charlie! You can't wear black! It will look like you're going to a funeral."

"Well, I feel like I'm going to a funeral."

"Oh, stop. Bella would be sad to see you dressed in that."

Those were Renee's trump cards: what Bella would want and how Bella would feel. I didn't have much to counter her. So, I put the black suit back and went for a brown one.

"No, Charlie. You'll look like the UPS guy in that. Here, try this." She handed me a navy-blue number.

"Isn't this too flashy?" I asked.

"Navy-blue?" the shock in Renee's voice told me that I was off base there.

"I guess not." I looked down at the thing, particularly the price tag, and gulped. Three hundred dollars? Who was I? The Prince of Wales?

"Try it on, Charlie! You'll look good in that."

The salesman had come over about this time and showed me into a dressing room, shoved a couple of shirts and ties at me, and I tried them on. I hate suits.

"Come on out Charlie. I want to see how you look." I heard Renee's dulcet tones echoing off the walls.

Reluctantly, I came out from the maze of dressing rooms to find her waiting for me next to the three-way mirrors.

"Wow! You look amazing!" The woman was beginning to salivate. I turned to the mirrors and was surprised to see that I didn't look too bad at all. Hmmm. The salesman was fluttering around me, pulling here, tucking there and rattling on about having a variety of ties and shirts and handkerchiefs to go with the thing.

"Nah. I'll just take this white shirt and that striped blue tie. No handkerchief. I'm not the one getting married."

"Charlie, if you had worn that, I may never had left you!" Renee chimed in, laughing. She didn't realize, the fool woman, that that was still a sore subject with me. I hoped that Edward was more like me than Renee. I knew that Bella was. We were golden like that. Once we find love, we never let it go.

Damn, Renee.

So, here I was on the day of, dressed for a wedding or a funeral—your choice.

I was as ready as I ever was going to be, and it was getting close to the time, so I left my cabin and went next door to where Renee and Bella had spent the night and were getting ready for the main event. When I got inside, I found Renee, Esme, and Bella putting the final touches on my girl's get up. A knot as big as a basketball suddenly appeared in my throat as I caught sight of my beautiful daughter, standing in the middle of the room, in her white dress, her hair twisted up on her head with some little white flowers woven through it. The golden sunlight that came shining through the big glass windows illuminated her in a soft, warm glow. Damn it! I could feel tears start to fill my eyes, and so I faked a sneeze, and got a handkerchief out –not the kind fancy boys stick in their front pocket, but the kind you can actually use—and blew my nose.

When I had recovered, I looked up to find Bella looking hopefully at me. "You look good, Bella. Very nice." I nodded my head as I spoke to make sure she knew I meant it.

My girl smiled and said, "You don't look too bad yourself, Dad."

I cleared my throat and couldn't think of another thing to say, but that was okay because Esme and Renee said enough for everyone. They twittered on about this and that. I wasn't paying any attention to them. I was just looking at my little girl.

"We need to get to our places," Esme eventually said.

"Charlie, you and Bella follow us over in about five minutes, okay?" Renee demanded or suggested.

"Yeah. Got it," I said, my eyes on Bella, and they left.

"You sure you want to go through with this?" I asked.

"Yes, Dad. Positive."

I nodded. "Edward's alright, but you know you've always got me, if you need me, right?"

"Yes, Dad. And you've always got me, too." She smiled and I noticed she had tears in her eyes.

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. Damn, that basketball was back.

So, I just offered my arm. She picked up the flowers she was going to carry in one hand and took my arm with the other.

"I love you, Dad."

"I love you, too, Bells. Always have. Always will."

And I walked my little girl out the door.

**Author's Note: This one was a hard one. The prompt was Golden Week, which is a Japanese holiday, or groups of holidays that arrive the end of April, beginning of May. I didn't know much about them, so I researched a little but did not find much, except that is the week where most people travel, and kids have off school. There're crowds everywhere. I understand that kids get gifts or something. So, my interpretation of the prompt was to write five golden points of view where "golden" played a role. It's a stretch, I know.**

**There's one more chapter left. It's going to be an epilogue told from Esme's point of view, I think. And then we'll be done with this exercise. Thanks for reading.**

**Thanks to Vecha for proof-reading this for me. She's the best!**


	20. A Mother's Love

**Does My Ass Look Too Big in these Jeans?**

**Chapter 20: A Mother's Love**

**Esme's Point of View**

I loved my boys, I really did. But when they got to the ages of 30, 28, and 26 respectively, without showing any signs of leaving the nest, I knew I had to take action—desperate action. First, I tried hinting. That didn't work. I then started charging them rent. They paid without a whimper. I then paraded every eligible girl I could find in front of them, but not one of them took the bait.

After a disastrous trip to the ice-skating rink, Carlisle finally told me to calm down and let nature take its course. He was sure the boys would find their own girls sooner or later. I gave up trying to force the issue with them. That hadn't panned out anyway and I was driving everyone crazy, especially myself, but I never stopped hoping it would happen.

It was when I was talking to an old friend from my Catholic School days that I remembered something that might work, without me having to strong-arm my boys into compliance. I went to church and prayed.

Funny thing was, within a few days of my new approach, all three of my boys were matched. Just shows you that God is good, right? All three of the girls make my boys very happy, which is all that I could ask for (besides the leaving the nest thing, that is.)

I wasn't surprised that Jasper and Alice eloped. Jasper doesn't have much patience with traditions and the like. Besides, his residency was taking up a lot of his time. So, he and Alice decided not to wait. I don't blame them. I remember what it was like waiting for Carlisle to finish his internship until we were able to marry and even then, we didn't have a big wedding.

What did surprise me was how fast Edward and Bella tied the knot. My Eddie used to take forever to make up his mind about everything down to, and including, what cereal he wanted for breakfast, so I was expecting a long courtship and engagement and a lot of dithering and dallying. But when he started dating Bella, I'd never seen him move so fast. He had married her within four months. I wasn't surprised that their wedding was exquisite and personal.

Edward and Bella had spent the week after their wedding in a little cottage just up the street from the Inn where their ceremony was held. They had a lovely time getting used to being married there, I'm sure. But there was a problem when they got back to their cozy love nest in Bellingham. It seemed that Emmett had somehow gotten an extra key to their apartment and while the happy couple was away, he had gone inside and filled it completely with balloons. I don't know how the lad did it, but that little place was nothing but floor to ceiling latex inflatables—in the living room, kitchen, bedroom and bathroom. Chock filled. Bella said she was finding remains of balloons for months afterwards, in the strangest places. I must admit, Emmett put a lot of effort into his prank.

Edward wasn't impressed. He simply said to Emmett in a dire voice, "You. Just. Wait." Payback was going to be a bitch, we all feared.

Some surprising things happened because of Bella and Edward's wedding, though. For one, my mother and Carlisle's father became an item. For years, they had been like night and day and cheerfully needled each other whenever they had been thrown together. By the time Edward got married, they both had been widowers for several years, but I never imagined them as a couple. A few months after Edward and Bella's nuptials, they announced that they were following suit—actually, Sam had to convince my mother to get married as she just wanted to "shack" up, but he wouldn't consider it. And now, they were spending their winters in Arizona and their summers in Chicago. They agreed not to discuss politics, and Mom goes to church with Sam every Sunday. Funny what love can do.

Emmett and Rosalie had their huge, no holds barred, Princess-zilla wedding after more than a year-long engagement. Rosalie had an "event" at least each month leading up to the ceremony, either a shower, a girl's outing, a dinner, or whatever else you could think of. Rose's dress was a lace confection and her veil was so long, she needed page boys to hold the train. They had ten attendants each and got married in one of the most elaborate churches in town. Their reception was in the grandest ballroom I had ever seen, with a live band for dancing. There was a seven-tiered wedding cake that followed a seven-course meal. The wedding and all the activities leading up to it lasted a week. Afterwards, they honeymooned in Vegas.

The whole time leading up to, during, and after the wedding, Emmett was living in trepidation of Edward's promised payback. I heard him one time, just a day before the ceremony, pleading with Edward to, "Just get it over with. Come on. I can't stand it." Edward just smiled his Cheshire-cat-grin and didn't say anything. I imagine Emmett was looking over his shoulder, under his bed, and behind doors for months. The best part of the whole thing was that Edward never did anything to prank his brother, he just let Emmett anticipate that something was going to happen and let him squirm. I know that I'm their mother, and I shouldn't take sides, but I have to say, Emmett deserved all this tribulation.

Another change that happened was that Bella left _GoNet_ and opened her own studio just around the corner from my design company. Her murals were a big hit and I was able to line up several commissions for her, to the point she could make more than a comfortable living with her art. After some encouragement from Edward, she also sold watercolors and paintings in her studio. Surprisingly, she had a pretty lucrative side-business in personalized wedding invitations, birth announcements, and the like. She was busier than she ever expected to be.

Soon, she and Edward had moved out of their little bridal apartment and into a neat little house downtown. Her only condition was that both her studio and their house had to have a room with good light where she could do her art. I was very proud of her, and she was very happy, though I was surprised she never got rid of that grody old sofa she had had in her apartment. It followed her from her apartment living room to her studio. I offered to get her a new one, but Bella said the old sofa suited her. We all have our caprices, don't we?

I couldn't have predicted how wonderfully everything turned out. All my boys were happily married to fabulous girls. Life was better than good.

Tonight, we were celebrating again. It was Carlisle's birthday and all the kids were coming over for dinner and a little party. I was fixing Carlisle's favorite meal and we were going to finish with ice cream, cake and presents. We sat around the dining room table and the kids passed their presents to Carlisle to open. He picked up the gift from Emmett and Rosalie first. Carlisle always made a production out of opening presents.

"Now, what could this be?" my husband asked, as he looked at the colorfully wrapped box.

He shook it and guessed, "A tie?"

Emmett and Rosalie giggled and said, "No."

"A pair of socks?"

"Nope!"

"Handkerchiefs?"

Emmett was eager and pleaded, "Pa, open it!"

So, Carlisle opened the present and found a little card inside. "Happy Birthday, _Grandpa_?" he gasped.

"What?!" I said. My heart started pounding so hard I could feel it in my ears!

Carlisle's smile could have lit the room, and he looked at Rosalie and asked, "You're going to have a baby?"

She nodded, as I jumped from my seat and hugged her. "When?"

"We just found out, so I'm guessing in seven months or so!"

I was soaring! Me, a _Grandma_! I couldn't believe it. I was so excited that I didn't notice the reaction of my other kids. They all looked stunned.

After a few moments of celebration, Edward smiled and said, "Congratulations, Emmett and Rose."

He pushed another small box over to Carlisle and added. "We may have a little something that will go with their present, Dad. Open this one, next."

Carlisle was surprised but, unresisting, picked up Edward and Bella's gift without preamble, opened it, and gaped at the Sonogram picture that was inside. In shock, he looked up, and said, "You, too?"

Both Bella and Edward nodded bashfully. "Bella's just finished her first trimester. We're expecting in about five months."

My legs gave out and I had to sit down. "I'm going to be grandma to two babies?"

Jasper and Alice looked wryly at each other, then Jasper shoved an envelope in Carlisle's direction, "No, Grandma, to three! Alice is half-way through her pregnancy. We just found out we're going to have a little boy. We're going to name him Carlisle, but we're calling him Carl."

I put my hand over my heart and said, "Oh, my good God. I'm going to have a heart attack!"

Everyone laughed except, I wasn't surprised to see, Rosalie. Seems she hated to have to share attention, and unintentionally, both of her husband's brothers were able to do that both on the night she and Emmett had announced their engagement and, now, the night they announced their impending parenthood. Oh, dear. Maybe the good Lord was trying to teach her something? We all have things to learn, that's for sure.

Looking around the table with enormous pride and happiness, Carlisle stood up and said, "I would offer to get out the champagne, but since almost half of us can't drink it now, I guess water will have to do. 'I'd like to propose a toast! Here's to our wonderful, amazing, and growing family. The Cullens!'"

**AN: The Prompt for this one was A Mother's Love. Esme was full to overflowing, don't you think?**

**The last line was sort of a throwback to Bear Valley Ranch, except that Carlisle said, "To the Colorado Cullens" in that one.**

**Now, I think this PTB Prompt contest was supposed to last a year with a prompt given every two weeks or so, if I remember correctly, but I could only find these 20, so I shall end the story here. Thank you for reading.**

**Also, I was just informed that "A Southern Gentleman" was voted number one in the Twifanfictionrecs dot com for Completed October Stories vote! That's so very nice. I am truly honored. Thank you!**

**And, as always, thank you to my lovely and wonderful Beta, Vecha. I couldn't have done this without you.**


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